Monthly Archives: November 2012

Sophia

I wish I could change what I did…

I was 20 turning 21 and 3months pregnant!   My relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years was abusive and getting worse by the day, I was severely depressed.   When I told him I was pregnant he accused me of cheating on him.  The last straw in our relationship was when he told me he had thoughts of killing me, & I finally decided I wanted to end our relationship.

I had no support from his family at all.  When I told my family we separated my parents gave me two options. 1. Marry him for the sake of the child even though his abusive. 2. Abortion

Feeling like I couldn’t ever spend a lifetime with him, I opted for option 2.  I remember the 2week build up to the abortion as the worst days of my life. Talking to my baby everyday, begging for forgiveness for what I’m about to do. On the day of the abortion I was so numb.  I was dehydrated from crying, I gave one word answers.  I remember thinking, the nurse isn’t even asking me why I’m doing this.  I wasn’t even offered an alternative, maybe I would have changed my mind and fought for what I wanted instead of just doing what I was told.

Almost immediately I turned to drugs & alcohol.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  I rebelled I was reckless, careless, I wanted to die.  After 10 months of suffering mentally, emotionally & physically, I converted from Islam to Christianity & only then was I able to overcome my depression & suicidal thoughts & truly smile again.

Even though I am now engaged and experiencing the happiest moments of my life, I still am deeply affected by my actions till this day.  There are still nights I think of holding my baby in my arms, smelling its hair, looking into its eyes.  How amazing it would have been. My child would have been 2 now.  I pray I could at least stop one person from making the horrible mistake of abortion by sharing this.  Please don’t do it, its not the easy way out..

Amanda, 6 months on

I had an abortion 6 months ago.  I have four children here and my boy in heaven.  I was so ill at the time of my pregnancy with clinical depression and severe anxiety.  I got pregnant because I had given up caring about my life.  The moment I found out I was pregnant I totally freaked and was having massive panic attacks.  Reality slapped me on the face.

My eldest daughter is disabled and needs round the clock care.  What had I done?  I immediately thought abortion.  I even prayed for a miscarriage.  But as time went on I prayed for strength.  It never came.  So here I am 6 months later. My baby was due at Christmas.  I feel empty, sad, guilty, and heartbroken.  I don’t know if I could have done more at the time.  I really don’t but everyone around me thought it was the best decision and I was too weak to fight.  I also had a morbid fear that my anxiety levels would damage my child.

Abortion seemed like my solution, but was it.  I don’t know.  If it hadn’t been legal then maybe I would be waiting the arrival of my child instead of being down and depressed and guilty every day.  I needed help.  I didn’t need an abortion. I see that now.

The sad thing is I am a christian and was at the time. I knew it was wrong but was convinced I was too ill to carry my baby.  My faith wasn’t there at the time. I was just so worn down with life and my illness.  And you know I am a good Mum and I need to remind myself of that every day, because How can I be when i aborted my baby.  His name is Jonah.  He lives in heaven with angels until I can look after him.  Mummy loves you Jonah.  I am so sorry I wasn’t strong enough..

Tamra

Thanks so much for this site, and the wonderful stories.   I’m surprised more women haven’t sent their stories in, but you know, it’s really tough to talk about this stuff.  I don’t really know why except that it is such a big enourmous thing to have happened in your life and when you do talk about it, it is so full of confusion and sadness, and grief, that it it too hard.

I had my abortion 3 years ago.  I was at uni.  It was pretty straightforward really.  I didn’t think much about it, kind of like some of the other girls here.  Its funny really that it can seem so simple, so just .. umm.. accepted, that you can hardly give it a thought, especially when things are so busy and you just go to the clinic ‘cos thats where they say to go and you go there not really knowing what to expect but then you have it done and leave and its over and you don’t even really have time to think about what happened.

I just got on with things.  Didn’t think about it for ages.  Then when one of my friends was pregnant and talked about having an abortion, I just couldn’t believe how quickly I said NO, kind of yelled it really.   We both just stopped and then I burst into tears and she was comforting me instead of me being the strong one I was supposed to be and helping her.

Then I knew how wrong it was.   I didn’t even know I thought that.  I don’t think I had.   But when she said that’s what she was doing, everything came back and I just broke down.  Then I started searching around and found so many stories where people were so sad, like they didn’t really understand what had happened and I knew it was exactly like me.

There is something wrong when something so big, so HUGE can happen before you even ‘get it’.  And I didn’t I ‘get it’?   I thought there must be something wrong with me, but I guess not if it is happening to others.

I think there needs to be a waiting period.   Someone needs to sit you down, look you straight in the eye and be very clear about what you are doing, and make ABSOLUTELY sure you know what it means.  Then you should be made to wait to make sure you REALLY know about it.

I might ring you and see how I can help other people.   Maybe not just yet, but in the future definitely.  Thank you so much.   Tamra.

Kaelyn

I recently had an abortion.  I am 22.  It is the worst thing I ever did and ever hope to do. I wasn’t thinking.  Nobody stopped me.  Noboday said anything about anything.  I don’t want to talk about it except to say that most days I don’t even want to be here it hurts so bad.

Please please please, if anybody ever tells you they are going to do this, do everything you can to stop them.  It will destroy their soul..

Rach

Two years ago I had an abortion.  When I found out, I was in an on-again off-again relationship that had been steady for 3 years before that.  It was pretty rocky, but we loved eachother still at the time.  After I did the test, my world just came crashing down.  Right away, I told myself I needed to get rid of “it.”

I immediately took action to do so, and in the couple of weeks it took to get things done, I never referred to it as a baby.  I never told the father…the social worker told me it was best not to, seeing the relationship status I was in (he was obsessive and getting scary.)

Two years later, I regret having had the abortion.  Not one day goes by that I don’t think about the baby that could have been. I see couples with babies, baby items, one of my friends recently had a baby…I feel jealousy and want and loss.  At family gatherings, I always imagine where my baby would be sitting at the table, what he would look like.  I often think how old he (a feeling I have that the baby was a he) would be, how big he would be, what date his birthday would have been.

I wonder what it would be like to have my own little family, how things would have turned out for me had I kept him. In my family, only my mother and father know about my abortion…not my sisters nor my brother. My mother never wanted me to tell my siblings…but I would really want them to know…but is that being selfish? I also feel anger towards the father, because he knows nothing of this and has gone on with his life, guilt free. I know I shouldn’t be angry at him – I am the one who never told him.
Taking those pills early that morning they took him out of me…I don’t understand how I could have done that. Taking those pills killed my baby…the blood coming out of me…that was my baby dying from something I did to him. I know abortion is legal, but I feel that I killed him…that’s what I did…all the doctors did was remove the tiny undevelopped baby that was inside of me. I’m scared that I’ll never have the chance to be pregant again…
Right after the abortion, I was fine with it…but more time goes by, more I am not fine with it.  I know deep down that abortion isn’t murder…but it still feels that way.  I also know that so many girls/women get abortions and get along fine…which makes me wonder what’s wrong with me for still crying about it.  I jut keep hoping one day I’ll be over my guilt..

Sharon

After growing up with my younger sister in a home which began with my mother and father, then after their separation, my grandmother and father, then aunt and uncle, and finally my step-mother and father; I found myself after leaving high school one hurt, broken and needy young woman. I went out with a neighbour’s son at the age of 16 but I broke it off with him and he said he would wait until ‘next time’.

Two and a half years later I was going out with him again briefly but I broke it off again and he said the same thing to me but I told him there be no next time.  Soon after I discovered I was pregnant to him while I was away on holidays and quickly flew back to Brisbane late 1974 to see a doctor who did abortions in his clinic.  I could not stand the idea of bringing a child into a home where there was brokenness to begin from, and, selfishly, I thought about my strong desire to travel before settling down.

The doctor told me to get up on the bed and he inserted instruments inside of me which caused great pain and very heavy bleeding. I had to go out to another room out the back for several hours before I could drive home and I knew I teetered on being sent to a hospital.  My family were away so I went home where I lay in tremendous pain all night long as my stomach contracted.  Towards late morning of the next day my body expelled the seven-and-a-half week embryo.  My sister had arrived with the rest of the family and I told her what I had done and she said that I would regret that one day. I vehemently denied the possibility of that ever happening and completely shut out all thoughts of what I had done.

Twenty-five years later, now a Christian and a wife and mother to five children, I attended a restoration course at a church and on the last day they taught on grief and grace.  I could feel something welling up in me the only way I could describe it is like bubbles surfacing and I didn’t understand what was happening to me.  I went home after we had a celebration lunch for the end of the course but I knew I just had to go straight back to the church to see if the elderly couple who were teaching the course were still there.

They were, and as soon as I walked into the church I broke down with loud sobs and crying as the suppressed grief of the abortion was released and they came and prayed healing for me.  I must have cried for about half an hour as the guilt and self-condemnation rolled off me as I asked God for forgiveness from the depths of my being.  He forgave me and I was set free.  Now I feel the need to share my story in the hope that others too would be healed and set free..