Monthly Archives: April 2013



I was 20 years old when I had my termination.  My partner and I had been together for 15 months and we had not long shifted in together and made a home when we found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.  We made a decision (a heartbreaking one for me) that a termination would be performed.

We went to the doctors and were sent off to see a specialist.  It was another week before we saw the specialist who matter of factly informed me of what the procedure consisted of.  He then performed an ultrasound and let me look at the screen, I wish I never did.  The part that haunts me the most is that image on the screen.

He sent me off to book into hospital where they informed me about what preparation I had to do & all about my day surgery, the date they booked me for was another 2 weeks away (we live in a country town so that was when the surgeon was visiting the hospital again).

The 3 weeks between when I discovered I was pregnant and having the procedure were the longest of my life and I had become quiet attached to the little being in me, I even found myself talking to you without even realising. Nobody understood, I was the only one who was reminded of your presence 24/7, I was the only one who could feel you in there giving me butterflies.

The big day came and my partner and I headed to check me in around 6:30am.  They put me in a gown, set me up in bed, gave me dilating tablets and some pain relief.  My partner then had to leave around 8am so they could prep me, it was then that it hit me that this is actually happening.

I had never felt so alone in the 3 hours between him leaving & waiting to be wheeled into surgery, I had to tell 3 nurses, the anaesthetist and the booking clerk what I was having done, I was so ashamed every time I said it, I couldn’t even bring myself to tell most of my friends or family and here I was telling strangers.

I woke up thinking I can’t believe that’s it, it’s so simple, how could it be?

Ihe nurses gave me something to eat.  I got dressed and my partner took me home and I began my regular life again. I dismissed it like nothing happened. How could I forget that I ended a life?

It’s so horrible to think about it now and to think i felt like I had some hush hush disease and I had to rid myself of it. Knowing what I know now it’s a decision that I took too lightly and made too easily.  There should be someone who makes sure you know EXACTLY what you are doing and you should be made to speak to women who have done it.

I wish I could change the past because things like this wreck a part of your soul, it leaves you with a sadness and regret that you can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t done this.

I urge any woman who has to make a choice that you consider how you might feel 6 or 12 months afterwards. It’s hard to admit that I didn’t do what was right for me. 

I did what I everyone else thought was right for me but hind sight is always 20/20.  I hope to be lucky enough to have another chance and to make it right..



I heard the scream.

2012. I want to tell my story in the hope that it may change even 1 girl’s mind and help save 1 baby. My children have never heard this story and I pray they will forgive me for killing their older brother/sister.

1972 I was 18 and very naïve. I moved to the big city to work….very exciting. I met a young man who was very sure of himself and to me he was worldly and experienced in life and a nice person.  We started dating.  I was living in the Nurses Home but that never stopped me from going out and partying with him and staying out late. I was not very experienced in having a sexual relationship and not long after, I noticed I had missed my period. I told my boyfriend and he told me to give him a sample of my urine and he would take it to his doctor.

My boyfriend had just turned 18years old. He was 5 months younger than me. But he seemed years older and much more mature than I was. He told me the doctor tested the urine and I was definitely pregnant and the doctor told him to get it aborted as we were too young to have a child and my boyfriend was still doing his apprenticeship. My boyfriend had a friend whom he knew had an abortion and we went to talk with her. She gave us a name of a Doctor who does abortions in a hospital.

I had told no-one about my situation. We went to this big high-rise apartment building in St Kilda and waited to see the doctor. He called us in. He told us he could perform the abortion for a fee. I would have to go and see a Psychiatrist that he recommended and he would ask me some questions and I was to tell him that I didn’t want to go through with this pregnancy and he would sign a letter stating that I was not competent to have a baby and then I could get it aborted. All this time I had felt it was like a disease I had and needed to get rid of it.

At no time did I think of the tiny baby I was carrying. If someone had talked to me or shown me pictures (never had ultra sounds back then) I know I would have thought differently. If someone had just told me that I could keep my baby and they would help me. If my boyfriend had said he wanted his baby I would have kept it. But it was all about getting rid of it. We made the appointment at a small private hospital in Caulfield. I arrived by train in the morning after not eating. I was told I had to put the cash in an envelope marked with the Doctors name and place it on the bedside table. I had to dress in a hospital gown and get into bed. I was there all alone as my boyfriend had to work. He was picking me up after. There were other women in beds next to me. We all had our curtains drawn.

My turn came and I was put on a trolley and wheeled to a small operating theatre. I was told to move over onto the operating table that was fitted with metal stirrups for your legs. The doctor made a comment to the orderly along the lines of ‘she is a nurse and she knows what is going to happen’ they kind of smirked to each other. It was like I was in a dream. I couldn’t think or feel anything. I didn’t know what was happening. I was given an anesthetic and lost consciousness. I have had anesthetics before and have never had any problems waking up. I always woke up and had a drink and was ok. I remember being still under the influence of the anesthetic and I could hear screaming in the distance. Not just once but several times. I was woken by the nurse and she told me to stop screaming as it was upsetting the other patients.

The screaming was coming from me. I have never done this before. I believe I had heard my baby scream in pain and fear and I was screaming for him. I was given some sandwiches and I noticed that the envelope was gone. I had just paid someone to murder my baby. The method they used was scraping and suction. On my records it was stated that I had a D and C. Dilation and Curette which is a medical term they use when a woman has this procedure for excessive bleeding or other such things. My boyfriend picked me up and took me to his mother’s house. No-one was told what we had done. I carried this with me for many years not telling anyone.

We got married and after my first son was born I wanted him baptized and the priest wanted me to go to church and I did but because of what I had done and because I felt that God could never forgive me, I could not receive communion but I could not tell the priest why. It was only after we moved to Tasmania and I met a young priest at my kid’s school. He was very nice and not stuffy like the older priests and I felt I could finally confess to him what I had done. He told me that I just had to ask God to forgive me and that we don’t go to confession any more but I told him that this thing was so big it needed a priest. He heard my confession and gave me absolution and told me that Jesus has forgiven me.

It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could finally go to communion. I have never forgotten my first child and believe that I will see him one day and I can finally tell him how sorry I was that he was not allowed to live and that I never protected him. I can tell him that I heard his scream.