Monthly Archives: May 2014

J’s story

I had an abortion on the 2nd of April 2013 when I was 19 years old. In the past year I had suffered a significant amount of emotional distress pertaining to a relationship that had just ended, and I was self medicating with drugs and alcohol as I have been since the age of 13.

The abortion was a result of a one night stand. I had previously had a lot of one night stands and used the morning after pilll as a means of contraception (a foolish mistake in hindsight), and though I used it the morning after this specific occasion it didn’t work.

That should have been my first warning.

When I discovered I was pregnant, I immediately booked an appointment with an abortion clinic. I couldn’t face the shame. I knew if I had admitted that I was pregnant to my extended family that they would have been supportive, but that in their minds they would have many things to say about me.  I already had chosen not to pursue university studies and it would have been considered just the next step to a life of poor circumstances.

Immediately after I scheduled the appointment I went on holiday.  I drank, did drugs and (to my utmost shame) had sex. I remember thinking during ‘I am pregnant from a one night stand with one man and am having a one night stand with another’. I cannot express how shameful that feels.

I was numb throughout the procedure.  The woman in the waiting room with me was 26 and was having her second abortion.  She had a child at home at the time.  She was sobbing uncontrollably and asked me how old I was.  I responded ‘I’m 19′.  She told me her story and said in admiration how strong I was.  I watched the television and sat in my chair, numb and aching for a cigarette.

When the anaesthetic was administered, I began hysterically crying.  My hand was held by a nurse as I wailed that I was not a crier, I was strong, but it all faded into the inevitable darkness that came with the drug.

I have experienced a delayed response to my abortion.  At the time, I told no one except my mother.  She took me to and from the clinic. We lied to my father, saying I was unwell for the following two days of recovery.  I was still numb.

I have told several people in the 6 months since the abortion.  It is only now that I am coming to terms with what I have done.

I have named my child, updated myself with the stages of  its life and done countless calculations of my due date; this week is the 6 month anniversary of my aborted child’s birth.

I still self medicate with alcohol, in fact I am drinking as I write this.  I cry, mourning the loss of the baby I wish I had kept.  I blame the stigma attached to young mothers by the media and through social convention. I blame the constant debate throughout high school of “What would you do if you were pregnant?”  Perhaps if this topic were more easily discussed then it would not feel so taboo to even consider keeping a child at a young age.

I was financially cared for and though I did not even know the father’s name (a fact which I solemnly refuse to feel any remorse for) I had a strong support network that would have cared for myself and the child limitlessly.

There are no words to describe how much I miss my aborted child.

I still touch my stomach – something I could not do for months after the procedure, and long to know the person who was growing inside me.

My heart goes out to all of the women who had abortion after extenuating circumstances, whether it be pressure to abort, abortion after rape, or shame from social backlash. I understand and share your pain.

I hope that one day I will have a large family. I hope that one day I can attempt to be a good mother to my children, and that wherever my aborted child is now, that they do not know the awful deed which I have done to them..