Monthly Archives: October 2014


Well… I’m not really sure how to start this. We’ve all come here for some reason or another, and I truly feel there isn’t anyone I can talk to without their narrowing eyes glaring me down.

I had my first abortion 5 days ago and the feelings I’ve come across are all over the place.
I’ll start from the beginning…

I’m 22 years old, just recently started seeing someone.  A very close friend of mine in fact, whom I have been very close friends with for 6 years, going on 7.
I wasn’t on birth control and we ended up being stupid, needless to say.
I was 7 days late for my period and I’ve had situations before where I always think I’m pregnant, but i’m just very irregular.  Well, my gut kept telling me to stop waiting and get a test, so I did.

Positive.  2 little lines.  It couldn’t be.
Right then and there – I felt such a strong attachment to whatever it was inside of me.
Little tiny cell rapidly growing, how could I of all people have this miracle.  This gift.

I ended up talking to my friend that night, let’s remember, we JUST started seeing each other.
We aren’t even dating. His response was to do what I felt was right and that he’d support me.
I asked what he thought about it, and respectfully he gave me his opinion.
“I’m not ready to be a dad, maybe one day, but now is too soon. I want to finish school, travel, move out without all the extra expenses.”  We’re also both living with our parents at the moment and don’t want to cause burden.  So I decided, abortion.  It didn’t sit right with me though.

Every single day, I’d wake up and without thinking touch my belly.
Sitting on the bus, eating dinner, out with friends.  When I’d catch myself, I’d stop.
I couldn’t possibly be this in love in such a short time.  I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out.

I ended up talking to this guy, and told him I was changing my mind.
The look on his face said it all.  He was hurt, scared, unsure.
We talked for so long and this time he wasn’t as supportive.
” _blank_ we really can’t do this, you aren’t ready and neither am I.  We have so much ahead of us, Why put a stop to it now?  Why do you want this baby?  Do you think you could actually do this?”

Everything he said made sense though, so I cried, a lot.  He was there for me though, he was being sensible and I was just in love with what could be.  This little baby and I.

Not only did I have him telling me it wasn’t a good idea, but I had my mum pressuring me to keep it.
She fell in love faster than I did and when I told her my decision she was upset and angry with me.  Kept telling me every day I was making a mistake and that I’d regret it.  Well… guess she was right.
I honestly just didn’t want to lose this good friend of mine.  He means a lot to me and I value his opinion. Unfortunately in this case, I let his feelings come way ahead of my own….

2 weeks later and 2 appointments down after blood work, etc.
I’m sitting in the Womens clinic at 7am waiting for my procedure with this man who I care so much for, yet I am so angry with for pushing me towards this choice.

It felt like it took forever for my name to be called… but when it did I just wanted to run away without looking back… But I couldn’t.

I had the procedure explained to me more times then I could count.  I was in my gown and awful slippers in this place that gave me the chills.  Babies everywhere and it was haunting me.  I felt sick.
I had my IV put in and i sat in a room with a blanket that was too warm and stared at a clock until they came and got me.

My doctor was in the room as well as two others.
I was given my drugs and put into the most uncomfortable position I could think of.
I feel like I should have had more of these drugs they were giving me though,
because its supposed to cause amnesia and drowsiness.
I remember everything, every sound, every word they said.
I remember staring a the light and it started to shift because of whatever I was given.

But that sound. The sucking sound. I lost it. cried on the table while they gave me this huge diaper thing to put on.

After that I stumbled off the table and they put me in the recovery room. I was given an extra shot because I’m RH- and I also asked for the depo shot(birth control) – So i was given that as well.

After the too long of a wait, I was able to get dressed and leave.  He was waiting there for me and I just started to cry.  He hugged me for what felt like forever until he took my down the elevator.

Got into his car and I just cried again. He held me until I stopped… drove for maybe…3 minutes and I burst out into tears again. He pulled over and held me while i sobbed for a good half hour.
That sound is forever etched into my brain and I know it will never leave me.
I will never be the same… maybe I wasn’t ready for a baby right now, but I damn well loved that little thing that was inside me.  I was 7 weeks and 2 days when I had the procedure.  I would have been 8 weeks today. I’m heartbroken, and now my friend – it seems like he is too scared to talk to me. He’s distant and quiet… Yet if I message him and tell him I’m having a really hard time, he’s right there to hold me until I’m done crying.  I don’t understand anything thats happening.  I’m so lost and I feel like I’m starting to annoy him.  My mom is still off with my decision and I just feel like dying some days.

I’ll never be able to forget about the what ifs.

If anyone reads this and needs help making a decision.
Do what your gut tells you to do. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself.
You know who you are, you know what you are capable of and whatever you feel is right,
is just that. Right..


I recently had an abortion at 15 weeks.   My first altrasound was at 8 weeks.  When I first found out, I had no idea what I was going to do.  I have always wanted to have children one day.  The guy I was with (in a very new relationship)  was involved in a lot of bad things including a gang and drugs.  This isn’t something I wanted to bring a child into however I wanted this baby.

When I told L he told me I had to kill it.  I had considered abortion but when he told me what he wanted me to do I felt as if that was my only option:   that was what i had to do.  On the day of the abortion I felt sick just going there.  I took a close friend and when I laid down on the bed about to go to sleep I immediately knew this wasn’t what I wanted.

When I got home I felt guilty…  About a month later I started having nightmares and the have been reoccurring ever since, I’ve spoken to my close friend but I feel as though I need to have people around who have had to make the same awful decision..

Worst decision of my life

My boyfriend and I started dating last summer. Through the course of our relationship we fell madly & deeply in love. I wasn’t on birth control, we didn’t use condoms, he didn’t like them. We had a long distance relationship since I went away to school in NH and he went to school at home in NYC.

After spending a long spring break with him, I returned back to school. Two days later I realized my period was late, it was always on time. I ran to the pharmacy and purchased a pregnancy test. I peed on the first stick, and it took a while to appear but there they were: the two pink lines. I thought it might have been a mistake, so I took the second stick and again it came back positive.

I stood in the middle of my dorm room in tears– not of fear but of excitement. I called my boyfriend and he couldn’t believe it, he suggested an abortion but I was totally against it. I told him he could leave me, I refused to get an abortion. Yet there I was freaking out not knowing how I would tell my parents. I’m only 19 and have a promising future. My parents worked so hard to give me the best life they could, they were paying my very expensive tuition. How could I even dare to disappoint them in such a way?

My boyfriend told his parents and he became excited, he was working hard, working full time bussing tables at a Manhattan upscale restaurant. Towards the end of my semester I realized I couldn’t keep it, it was not the right thing for me. I became selfish and thought only about myself. I told my boyfriend I decided to have an abortion. He was furious and torn apart– he wanted more than anything to be a father. I scheduled an appointment for as soon as I got home for summer vacation. I went to my appointment with my best friend, and I was ready but my insurance couldn’t cover it. I didn’t end up getting the abortion.

A couple of weeks passed and my boyfriend finally became comfortable with the decision I had made for myself. But it angered me. Time passed, my belly kept growing beautifully and I still hadn’t told my parents. My close friends and boyfriend continuously asked me when I planned to get the procedure, and I would ignore them. I finally told my boyfriend I was not so sure anymore and he became agitated.

I was 17 weeks when I first felt my baby kick me, it had to be the most beautiful thing I have ever felt, I was overcome with happiness and excitement. But I was also sad because I knew I could not keep the baby. My excuse was disappointing and humiliating my parents. I couldn’t bear making them upset, especially my mother. I was terrified of betraying her. My whole life revolved around making them happy.

I went into Planned Parenthood and got the two day procedure done, and it was by far the most traumatic event I have ever gone through. Right after, my boyfriend picked me up from the clinic and we rode the train in complete silence while I cried hysterically. I hated myself, I hated him, and I hated my parents for expecting so much from me.

Now here I am almost a month after my abortion writing this because I don’t know who to turn to. I hate myself and have no motivation to continue my life, I have no desire to better myself. I sit at home and constantly cry. I can’t talk to the closest person to me. I feel all alone. I regret having an abortion. Worst decision of my life.



My dark secret

I found out that I was pregnant in March. I bought three different brands of pregnancy tests and sat in a restaurant bathroom staring at all three of them at once– a plus sign, two blue lines, and two pink lines.

I’m 28 years, so this wasn’t a tragedy. (At least it wasn’t on that day.) I was in love with the man whose baby was growing inside of me, and, while this added stress to my life (I was married to another man), I didn’t feel the kind of panic that a pregnant 16 year-old might. Of course, my heart pounded loud in my chest, and I worried about what the father might say and what I would do about my marriage, but I was okay.

That okay-ness left me the next day. While the father and I were on a run together, I got sick and threw up my blueberry bagel in front of him. He asked me why I was sick all the time, and when I didn’t answer, he asked me if I was pregnant. I said yes, and he quite literally ran away. He said we’d talk later, and he ran down the trail next to the Deschutes River.

For the next couple of days, I took care of myself. I didn’t drink alcohol or caffeine. I took vitamins and got my rest. I went online to read about what was going on inside of me. There was even a little part of me that was happy about the little person inside of me. I was nervous, but I was going to be a mom.

But then it happened. The father sat me down and told me that he didn’t want to be a dad. Maybe ever. He said that this baby would ruin his life. He said that the baby wouldn’t make him love me more or be happier with me. (I never said it would, but the words still stung.) And he said that his “vote” was for me to terminate the pregnancy. He said he couldn’t believe I was “even considering keeping it.”

I fell apart. My world crumbled. I didn’t have a partner in this. I was pregnant from a guy who wasn’t my husband and who didn’t want to be a father. I couldn’t tell anybody. I was absolutely alone in a way that I have never felt before. I couldn’t tell my mom. I didn’t want to tell my friends. And the only man who knew just wanted me to end it and never speak again.

Five months later, I see that I made my decision too quickly. I see now that I was only thinking of the father. But I did make the decision to end the pregnancy on March 30, 2010.

I don’t want to talk about that experience. I hated it. Every. Single. Second. I hated sitting in the clinic. I hated seeing my little baby in an ultrasound (I was 7 weeks, 5 days along). I hated watching the video about what my body was about to experience. I hated it when people would use the word “abortion,” and I hated it when it felt like they were avoiding the word and calling it a “termination of pregnancy.”

And I hated the abortion itself. The pain was intense, and knowing what my body was doing made it worse. I hated feeling the contractions in my uterus as the drugs forced everything out of me. The bleeding scared me. My whole body shook. The drugs made me throw up and dry heave so hard that it felt like my eyes were going to pop. It was nothing like the video said it was going to be.

The father was good to me on the day of the “procedure,” but I think it was because he felt guilty. And I think he wanted to go to the clinic with me to make sure that I followed through with “our” decision. (As I type this, I feel my teeth clench, and I obviously feel residual anger toward him.)

Five months later, I still feel alone. I feel regret for the decision that I made even though, in many ways, my life is better and less complicated.

And I am sad that I can’t talk to anyone. My abortion is my dark secret that I will just carry around for the rest of my life. The only one who knows what I did was the father, and I am pretty sure that he is just glad the whole thing is over… if he even thinks about it at all.

But it is not over for me. I still check pregnancy websites at work to see what date my baby would be due. I look at pictures of fetuses at different stages of development and catch myself massaging my empty uterus. I dream of my pregnant self. I look at the father – whom I still love – and wonder how he could have been so sure that an abortion would be best for us. I look at pregnant women and feel embarrassed at my own anger towards them (and the men walking next to them). I cry when I hear songs or stories about men who change their mind in the clinic, hug their frightened partners, and go home together. I am having trouble forgiving myself.

And I don’t know how to make things right with myself or the world. I don’t know how to stop thinking about the baby that will never be born. I don’t know how to ease the guilt and sadness. Maybe I’ll always feel like this… but I hope not.



The abortions were not worth it

I wanted to tell my story because this website stated that if wanted to know about diverse experiences. I am a woman who had three abortions in my 20s. I was a child of the sixties and young woman of the seventies and at that time believed in sexual freedom and choices.In my early 20s I met a person that I loved and believed he loved me but already had two children and told me he did not want any more. When I told him I was pregnant he was very supportive in my decision but was very detached would not take any responsibility for his part in the pregnancy, would not share his feelings about it and said it was up to me. I now realize what a coward he really was.

When I had the first abortion, I did not realize how bad of a self-esteem problem I had and how having an abortion would affect me. Well, it was bad and I went through a lot of emotional upheaval but the experience got me a lot of “attention” and sympathy from people I wanted: two girlfriends and my boyfriend. Because of my emotional issues that I now understand that was from my childhood, I became pregnant by this person two other times and aborted. The relationship ended, of course, and I was left with a lot of baggage.

I later got married but then found out that I was sterile due to all the scar tissue from the abortions. This was a new devastation that I had to deal with and it has taken a lot of resolution to come to this level of peace and acceptance I now experience. That peace, forgiveness, and love I gained for myself. I found in my faith in God and His love and unlimited grace.

Knowing what I know now, the abortions were NOT worth it, for whatever reasons I believed in my own mind. I was living in the moment and not for the future.




No more babies for me.. ever

I had just turned 18 in 1981 when I became pregnant. My boyfriend was 21 and never graduated from high school. We had only been together for five months. I knew the moment it happened, as if I could just feel pregnant. But I didn’t want to face the fact for weeks until I finally had to get a pregnancy test.I went to our local Planned Parenthood and the nurse there confirmed I was pregnant and we determined I was about six weeks along. She handed me a piece of paper with five doctors names and phone numbers on it and said I should start taking the pill as soon as possible. There was no mention of an alternative, no talk about what I should do. Just this piece of paper.I was raised Catholic, and didn’t understand that the Catholic Church didn’t just “frown” upon abortion, that it saw it as wrong. It wasn’t illegal, so I thought it was OK. But I didn’t want to have an abortion. My boyfriend was suspicious and jealous and even thought it wasn’t his. He definitely didn’t want to have a baby and didn’t want to marry me. He told me that my father would prevent us from ever seeing each other again and if I loved him, that I wouldn’t tell anyone in my family.

I told no one except my two best friends who were 18 years old. I was going to graduate that spring and then I was going to start junior college in the fall. I didn’t want to have an abortion. I went to see my mom who lived in Florida for spring break and just couldn’t tell her that I was pregnant. I remember feeling wonderful, full of life and amazed at this life growing inside me, even though everyone said it was just a blob of nothing. I had daydreams of having this baby while in class at high school.

I couldn’t make the phone call myself to the doctor’s office and had my friend do it. The directions given to me were to put $200 cash in a paper bag and go to the doctor’s office on a Saturday morning and not to call ever during regular business hours, and not to let anyone know where I was. And so I went with my boyfriend on a Saturday morning. I was terrified out of my skin and sat there in the waiting room of this very cushy very plush doctor’s office with about 10 other frightened young girls. We chatted lightly. Our boyfriends waiting for us in the reception area. One by one they came out, looking like death, and then sat in this sterile room.

Then it was my turn. I remember the nurse holding my hand tightly. I remember the tears rolling down my face into my ears. I remember the doctor examining me and saying to the nurse “12 weeks”. I was 12 weeks pregnant? But only nine weeks had passed. Oh my gosh, what was I doing? I wanted to jump down off that table more than anything. But I didn’t. Then it was over. The pain was excruciating. The sound of the pump machine was horrific. I lived, but I died. I had said No to God. He gave me a beautiful gift of life and I said No.

I went on to college, stayed with my boyfriend and then three years later found myself pregnant again. This time I was sure we could keep it, but again my boyfriend said we just weren’t ready and that we could get married next year if we just didn’t have this baby now. He promised me there would be other babies. There were no other babies. Not ever for me. I had the abortion. We broke up for a while and then he proposed and we got married a couple of years later. We never did have those babies and I ended up divorcing him after a couple of years of marriage. I denied myself being a mother after that. God gave me a second chance, I was older, newly employed, and I was afraid of losing my boyfriend, again.

Now I’m married to someone wonderful and am too old to have children. I always think of those children who would have been 30 and 27 now — who they would have been — when their birthdays would have been. Their souls are in Heaven with Our Lady hopefully understanding and forgiving me, their mother. It has taken me 30 years to come to terms with this pain and what it did to me emotionally. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely healed. I know that God has forgiven me through my renewed Catholic faith in the blessed sacrament of reconciliation. I am on the road to redemption.




l was 26 when I had my abortion.  l was pressured and scared.  l knew what l was doing.  l was in relationship about to get married.  l didn’t want to get married but l fell pregnant on the depo and was pressured into getting married.

l had my first ultra sound and everything was perfect with my baby.  l remember seeing her in my womb.  l was 3 months.  l was excited, then one morning woke up and I didn’t want to go through with the wedding so l decided to abort at 4 and a half months.  l rang a friend who came with me to talk to my dad.  l still see the pain in his eyes today about my decision.   My friend organized everything for the abortion.

The morning of the procedure a very dear friend of mine took me to the hospital at 7am.  We were in the waiting room when my friend was called up to the front desk.  My partner came into the hospital to try and stop me and he was escorted out.

l destroyed him that day.

As l go to lay on the bed I just cry because I knew it was wrong in God’s eyes.  My friend said the Lords prayer and I remember looking her in the eyes with sadness.  That afternoon my friend took me home.  She got a phone call about another young couple who lost their daughter from cot death not long after l took Charlotte’s life.

l only spoke about this about 4 years ago when my second daughter was born.  A friend of mine ended up taking me to Rachels vineyard. That helped.   l went to March for the Babies this year and struggled for 3 days of guilt and pain.   l really feel for J (the father).   l am a Christian.  God knows my pain.  This is the first time l have spoken about the details.   I’m going to go out there and talk with schools about my story to tell them not to make the same mistake.   l trust God in this.  The pain never goes away..

Karla, I will never forgive myself

My sister had a baby girl 5 weeks ago, only 1 week before the date my baby would have been due to be born.  Everybody is so happy.  She is the first grandchild.  She is so beautiful.  I held her on the day she was born, felt the softness of her skin and smelt her.  I didn’t want to stop smelling her.   I don’t think I’ve smelt a new baby before.  How can they smell so good?

When I got into my car after leaving the hospital, I began to cry, sitting there in the car park, tears just streaming down my face.   I couldn’t understand it.  I just kept crying.   I was thankful it was dark so nobody could see me sitting there.  Suddenly I was crying so hard, and feeling like I was suffocating and panicking.   I opened the car door thinking I needed to get out; I stood up, but I didn’t know where to go.  That’s when it hit me;  the smell of that little girl was like something so familiar, something I knew but couldn’t remember.   Sitting there in that car I realised it was the smell of the baby I wasn’t having.

I aborted my baby, a baby I hadn’t thought of as a baby until that moment.  It was matter of fact.  My boyfriend was married.  He didn’t want to leave his wife.  I didn’t want him to leave his children.  It was the right thing to do.  I didn’t tell anyone.   I didn’t even ask my boyfriend to pay for it.   It was easy.  I didn’t give it a lot of thought, not then, and not even a couple of weeks later when my sister announced her pregnancy.  In fact I didn’t really think about it again at all.

Now I can’t stop.  Now I look at my sister’s little girl and all I think about is what I did, what I’ve lost, the smell of her.   I am so confused by how I am feeling.  I have never heard of anyone ever not being happy with an abortion.   Why didn’t I know how big this was?   I’m not a teenager.  I’m educated.  I killed my child and I didn’t even blink.   I haven’t cried again since that day in the carpark.   I can’t afford to.  I don’t feel anything.  I have nowhere to go.  I will never forgive myself..

Think again, Mel

Today is the 12/10/14.  Four days from now will be the due date of the baby I will never have.  I terminated at 11 weeks for, what I thought at the time, were sound reasons. I take medications that are highly teratogenic and I was convinced that my child would suffer a multitude of painful conditions if they made it through birth at all. I was then told by my specialist that the only way forward would be to stop my meds all together and I did not feel that I was able to take that risk with my mental health without the right support around.

I am having a really difficult time living with the choice I made.  I feel sick, sad & incredibly guilty.  Most of all, I feel robbed of the chance to be a mother and my grief will never fade.  I have always been very much pro-choice and I am an atheist so this is not religiously motivated but I urge anyone thinking about termination to think again.  Take all the time you need.  I agonized over my decision and still made the wrong one.  I cried all the way to the clinic and haven’t really stopped.  I think about my baby every day and the life we could have had together.  I wish anyone reading this the strength to make the right choice..