Monthly Archives: December 2015

K’s story

October 12th, 2014.
I will always remember this date, every cold detail.

I had been in a loving relationship for about one year, we are still happily together now. When I found out I was pregnant I went numb, I walked into the kitchen and started buttering a piece of toast and then just sunk to the floor and sobbed. He held me and without even talking we both knew what came next. We were young, had a million things we wanted to accomplish. The fact that we didn’t want a family then doesn’t mean we didn’t want one later on.

We arrived at the clinic very early in the morning, before the sun came up and everything was grey and dew covered. I had been listening to the song A Postcard to Henry Purcell from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack on repeat for the entire drive, and then one final time through while we sat parked. Their was one single protester, he stood alone with a sign on the pathway that lead up to the clinic’s front door. It was terrifying, I was just going through the motions.

I was early enough in my pregnancy to have a medical abortion. The doctor took one final ultrasound, I still have the image tucked inside and envelope. I can’t bring myself to throw it away, that would mean erasing all evidence that it every existed. I realize it was only a small seed of cells, this was the reassurance I gave myself to follow through with the abortion. What hurts me now to this day is the potential of what that little seed of cells would have become.

Every year on October 12th we remember. I know this hasn’t taken the same toll on my boyfriend as it has on myself, he was hurt seeing me suffer but my pain came from somewhere else. I hurt because I consciously decided to end the life growing inside of my before it started. That life would have been a part of me and him, but was never given the chance. Two years ago on the first anniversary we spent the day walking around these beautiful public gardens taking pictures of the changing trees, this year we did the same thing and next year we’ll probably do just that. I have to be outside looking at beautiful things, because if I don’t i’ll spend all day locked away thinking about the ugliest thing I’d ever done.

I have coped with what has happened, and I can say I mostly live day to day in peace. The dark spots come in the doubt and the wondering what might have been. When I do decide that I’m ready to have a family I will always be affected by the choice I made. I will always think each year how old that person would be, how different my life would have been. I chose this path, and I did it out of a selfish love for myself and my future, but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like an open wound for all of time.


I regret my abortion.  There, I said it.  I have a really hard time looking at babies or interacting with children. It makes me miss my would of been daughter (I felt girl, not for certain).  I’ve never expressed this outside of my mind, and here I am on a public forum.

Please reach out if you want to talk.  I admit I have been able to do things and go places that I would not have been able to do with a child.  Doesn’t really feel worth it though.  Ironically, the radio is talking about new mums right now.   I am so sad!

A friend of mine gave birth around the time I would have.  I am so jealous sometimes.  I randomly cry thinking about this.

I was 23 and with my bf for year and half we were madly in love… but fought a lot.  Nothing physical, he would never do that.  We just were crazy for each other and sometime we’d verbally fight and that hurt us.  We are no longer together, not because of the abortion.  I miss him and still want to have a baby with him.  I wish I kept my baby.  I feel I am getting to old for children and that makes me more sad.

I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.  This is sad.  I live a good life and love many friends and family and am loved by many too.  My life has gone on, but I don’t know where to go to talk about my secret. And I’m fed up of the stigma, making people keep it secret.
I also wanted to save Earth by not overpopulating. So many idiots having children, so why did I sacrifice mine?