Amanda, 6 months on

I had an abortion 6 months ago.  I have four children here and my boy in heaven.  I was so ill at the time of my pregnancy with clinical depression and severe anxiety.  I got pregnant because I had given up caring about my life.  The moment I found out I was pregnant I totally freaked and was having massive panic attacks.  Reality slapped me on the face.

My eldest daughter is disabled and needs round the clock care.  What had I done?  I immediately thought abortion.  I even prayed for a miscarriage.  But as time went on I prayed for strength.  It never came.  So here I am 6 months later. My baby was due at Christmas.  I feel empty, sad, guilty, and heartbroken.  I don’t know if I could have done more at the time.  I really don’t but everyone around me thought it was the best decision and I was too weak to fight.  I also had a morbid fear that my anxiety levels would damage my child.

Abortion seemed like my solution, but was it.  I don’t know.  If it hadn’t been legal then maybe I would be waiting the arrival of my child instead of being down and depressed and guilty every day.  I needed help.  I didn’t need an abortion. I see that now.

The sad thing is I am a christian and was at the time. I knew it was wrong but was convinced I was too ill to carry my baby.  My faith wasn’t there at the time. I was just so worn down with life and my illness.  And you know I am a good Mum and I need to remind myself of that every day, because How can I be when i aborted my baby.  His name is Jonah.  He lives in heaven with angels until I can look after him.  Mummy loves you Jonah.  I am so sorry I wasn’t strong enough..

2 Responses to Amanda, 6 months on

  • Lyn Schoof says:

    Thanks for sharing Amanda. Your story really touched me because I suffered from terrible anxiety when I was pregnant with my last child and ended up in hospital for two weeks. I know how hard it is to cope with, especially the panic attacks. I know how all consuming it can be. I am so sorry that you didn’t get the support you needed during this time. I pray that you may find comfort and peace and healing.

  • Dear Amanda,

    You words “I needed help. I didn’t need an abortion” are so very impacting. We will do all we can to get those words ‘out there’ to help prevent other girls going down the same path.

    Your beautiful little baby Jonah knows that you loved him and that you were under a lot of stress and pressure at the time you made that sad decision to abort. We pray for you to have the grace, strength and courage to forgive yourself and that God will put in your path all the right people to help you heal.

    Warmest hug,


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