Women’s Stories

Loveness

I had an abortion twice…..
I am sitting here, at 36, highly educated with a Doctoral Degree, big career BUT, the regrets! I first fell pregnant when I was 22 years old. I was still doing my undergraduate degree.  My then boyfriend was working.  He had a great job.  When I found out about my pregnancy, he just told me immediately: ‘You MUST have an abortion’.  He was 26 years old then.  At 9 weeks when I went for a scan prior to the procedure, the nurse asked me if I was sure I wanted to go ahead with this because she could already tell that I was carrying twins.  The doctor came in and I remember he was so cheerful and tried to strike up a conversation with me.

It was so PAINFUL!   I screamed and cried….!  When all was done, my then boyfriend picked me up in his car. I told him it was so painful that I was crying. His response was ‘It cannot have been that painful. If it was, you could have passed out’.  I remained with the bugger and five years later, we had a son.  Two years down the line, we split up.  I got a great scholarship to do a Masters degree in England in one of the best universities in the world.  I met a man there.  This time I was on the pill but, I fell pregnant.

The man is a Doctor and he also told me point blank:  ‘You have no choice.  Abort this child.  I knew I had to do that because I felt the child would interrupt my studies and I would lose the scholarship. A fter the abortion, I remember having nightmares in my room. I would hear children play around my bedroom. The man later left me.  I know I will be judged for being careless… I admit I was but, the regret is killing me inside. I look at my son, now 10 years old, and I imagine what my other two kids would look like….

Di

I’m 22years old at 19 I had an abortion I was 13 weeks along.
I was in a 3 year dysfunctional relationship we lived together throughout those 3 years. He was a gangster, in and out of jail and one time he got sentenced to some months.  I started talking to another guy who became the father of my baby.  He already has 2 kids but he supported me and wanted me to have it.  I was scared and so lost because I was still in love with my boyfriend and he was coming out of jail the same month I found out I was pregnant.

So he came out and I hid my pregnacy from him.   To this day he doesn’t know.. I ended up having the abortion thinking I can fix me cheating on him while incarcerated and getting pregnant by some other guy that wasn’t him.. when I went through the procedure after it was done I felt relief.   I would think about it but nothing like now.  I regret being selfish and not giving my baby a chance to live.  I cry at times thinking what could of been,  holding my precious lil one,  enjoying him.  I can’t believe what I have done.  I feel like a monster.   I hope and pray to God he has mercy on my soul for what I did.

If only I could go back in time I wouldn’t have gone thru]ough it and I would of been a mummy:  I miss my baby.. ladies if your thinking of doing this pleaseee pleaseee don’t if you have a heart and conscience you won’t be able to live with your self knowing you killed your baby. There is different ways of dealing with stuff, don’t take the easy way out please don’t..

“Please, please don’t.

so my story starts in 2013.

My partner and I were engaged and already had a beautiful 1 year old, we decided it would be a wonderful idea to start trying to conceive, we always wanted our children close in age and we knew this is what we wanted. we kept it a secret because we knew if his family found out they would be furious because they hated the idea of us being together they made it very clear. in January 2014 we had successfully conceived our second child, we managed to keep it quiet until one night I had strange pains and asked his mother to take me to the hospital to get the all clear, obviously we had to tell her I was pregnant. she was so angry. she started saying stuff like ‘if you don’t abort this baby or give it to me I will take away your 1year old, you cant have another child’ and ‘you need to abort this baby’. she got into my partners head and he even started saying horrible things saying I had to. this all broke my heart. his mother made the appointment to have it done. I really didn’t want it, but somewhere she got into my head and got me to do it. so at 8weeks pregnant I had the abortion. I cried so hard for weeks, still remembering the weeks as the went by, every Saturday was the start of a new week ( 16/01/2014 – May -2014 EDD 18/10/2014 ).

but my story isn’t over yet, i was put on birth control and as the weeks past my partner started apologising and saying he wish it never happened and even became distant, he too was affect from all this. In June 2014 that same year my birth control had problems and out it came. my partner and i agreed that no matter what happened that we would never EVER repeat history and that we could never do that again. August came around and complete shock i was pregnant, we were so happy. we kept this a secret because we knew as soon as his mother found out she would go mental ! but then my partner moved out and moved into his mother, i knew in the back of my head it was the end but i refused to believe, trying to hang onto everything.

he didn’t even come to the first ultrasound at 6weeks, that’s when everyone was told and BAM shit hit the fan AGAIN ! by this point he had ended our relationship and was telling me he never wanted kids and that i was to have an abortion. he went on how that i was not to have the baby and that i wasn’t even to adopt it out to a loving family because he didn’t want to be known as a dead beat dad ( BUT WHAT ? i was meant to be the murderer ? !) i told him i didn’t care what he had to say anymore and that it wasn’t up to him.

In September that year i went into a complete depression state, wanting to kill myself and i had no idea what to do. i was getting told daily to choose death over life to the point i wanted to take me own life, i was even admitted into care. during this time he went to the courts and filled for full custody just to be spiteful to me because i was still pregnant. i then believed i had to make the hard decision and have the abortion so at 14weeks i had it again (July 2014 – Oct 2014 – EDD 27/03/2015)

i still find it hard to get to sleep even though i have my child back and my depression has almost completely gone away. i still sit awake thinking of all these dates and still feel so guilty ever day !

everytime i see someone have their baby, i just wish i never ever had those abortions and that it was me holding my newborn child in my arms, smelling the sweet scent of babies all around me.

I will never ever forget the days i had this done and i will never forgive myself for doing so – i just hope that one day i can look back at this and stop blaming myself for everything.

So if you are considering to have an abortion, please please please don’t. you ARE strong enough you ARE capable and you WILL be the best parent for that child. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !.

Andie

Me and my husband were young and we already had two children and were filing for divorce.  One night he came over and things lead to us sleeping together without protection.  I became pregnant again.  Him in his fear and worry gave me an ultimatum; have an abortion or he would skip town.

He could not see helping me raise three children financially.  So i did.  Walking in there numb to all that was around me still hoping he would change his mind until my name was called.  I walked back there and had my abortion.

For eight years i walked a destructive path of choices because i could not believe anyone could love me least of all God for what i had done. It wasn’t till i heard someone have a story like mine and reach out to help through post abortive counseling that i was able to change my life around..

Yva

Hi this is my Sad Story!!!
November 26, 2014 – I had an abortion that day.  I became a murderer!  I was so sick at the hospital with 104.6 fever… That day my life changed.  They told me I was pregnant I didn’t trust them so I told me to do another one, they did and it was positive!

I was in shock because I have one baby already and how I am going to support the other one, my economy it is really bad, I am working full time and going to college. .. I told to myself No I can’t I can’t give all my baby needs. .. that day I made the horrible mistake that anyone can make !! I aborted my 6 weeks baby :'(:'(

It is so hard how I could not have this baby !!!! I cry every single day because in my heart it’s a strong pain that it is killing me !!! I would love to go back and take the good and only decision … Have my Baby but I can’t it is too late :'(.

Sofia

One of my friends posted something on her facebook about Zoe’s law in New South Wales.  She read about how it would stop women being able to have abortions and she kept saying how terrible that was.  I read the story of how Zoe’s law came about and I felt so sad for that mother.  She wanted her baby and someone killed it and she can’t get any justice and now people are trying to say that her baby can’t be valued because someone else might not want theirs?

My friend doesn’t know what I did to my baby.  She doesn’t even know I was ever pregnant and I don’t know if I could tell her without also telling her the horrible horrible truth that I wish women couldn’t have abortions.  I wish no woman could ever do it, because if they couldn’t then my baby would be here.  I wish people would understand that just because the Zoe’s law mum wanted her baby doesn’t mean some of us didn’t too.

And that if it wasn’t so damn bloody easy to get one and people didn’t fill your head with so many lies about how bad it would be to be a mother then I would have been one by now.  It’s like its all about rights to have an abortion, but what about my rights to know how this would feel?  What about my rights to not feel pushed into it?  When I rang the abortion clinic, and then rang someone they referred me to talk about how bad I felt they just kept reminding me it was my decision.   I know it was.  But I also know it wasn’t.

If I didn’t know enough about what might happen…   If all those people had shut up and given me a chance to think, then it wouldn’t have been my decision.. never!!

All this crap about choice is bullshit.  I’m sorry but it is.  It’s even worse than that but I don’t think you’ll print it.

If you are thinking about having an abortion, then you need to think again.  That’s your baby and you can do this.  Don’t dare let anyone tell you you’re not good enough, or not strong enough.  This is no way to end up.

 .

Toni

Well… I’m not really sure how to start this. We’ve all come here for some reason or another, and I truly feel there isn’t anyone I can talk to without their narrowing eyes glaring me down.

I had my first abortion 5 days ago and the feelings I’ve come across are all over the place.
I’ll start from the beginning…

I’m 22 years old, just recently started seeing someone.  A very close friend of mine in fact, whom I have been very close friends with for 6 years, going on 7.
I wasn’t on birth control and we ended up being stupid, needless to say.
I was 7 days late for my period and I’ve had situations before where I always think I’m pregnant, but i’m just very irregular.  Well, my gut kept telling me to stop waiting and get a test, so I did.

Positive.  2 little lines.  It couldn’t be.
Right then and there – I felt such a strong attachment to whatever it was inside of me.
Little tiny cell rapidly growing, how could I of all people have this miracle.  This gift.

I ended up talking to my friend that night, let’s remember, we JUST started seeing each other.
We aren’t even dating. His response was to do what I felt was right and that he’d support me.
I asked what he thought about it, and respectfully he gave me his opinion.
“I’m not ready to be a dad, maybe one day, but now is too soon. I want to finish school, travel, move out without all the extra expenses.”  We’re also both living with our parents at the moment and don’t want to cause burden.  So I decided, abortion.  It didn’t sit right with me though.

Every single day, I’d wake up and without thinking touch my belly.
Sitting on the bus, eating dinner, out with friends.  When I’d catch myself, I’d stop.
I couldn’t possibly be this in love in such a short time.  I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out.

I ended up talking to this guy, and told him I was changing my mind.
The look on his face said it all.  He was hurt, scared, unsure.
We talked for so long and this time he wasn’t as supportive.
” _blank_ we really can’t do this, you aren’t ready and neither am I.  We have so much ahead of us, Why put a stop to it now?  Why do you want this baby?  Do you think you could actually do this?”

Everything he said made sense though, so I cried, a lot.  He was there for me though, he was being sensible and I was just in love with what could be.  This little baby and I.

Not only did I have him telling me it wasn’t a good idea, but I had my mum pressuring me to keep it.
She fell in love faster than I did and when I told her my decision she was upset and angry with me.  Kept telling me every day I was making a mistake and that I’d regret it.  Well… guess she was right.
I honestly just didn’t want to lose this good friend of mine.  He means a lot to me and I value his opinion. Unfortunately in this case, I let his feelings come way ahead of my own….

2 weeks later and 2 appointments down after blood work, etc.
I’m sitting in the Womens clinic at 7am waiting for my procedure with this man who I care so much for, yet I am so angry with for pushing me towards this choice.

It felt like it took forever for my name to be called… but when it did I just wanted to run away without looking back… But I couldn’t.

I had the procedure explained to me more times then I could count.  I was in my gown and awful slippers in this place that gave me the chills.  Babies everywhere and it was haunting me.  I felt sick.
I had my IV put in and i sat in a room with a blanket that was too warm and stared at a clock until they came and got me.

My doctor was in the room as well as two others.
I was given my drugs and put into the most uncomfortable position I could think of.
I feel like I should have had more of these drugs they were giving me though,
because its supposed to cause amnesia and drowsiness.
I remember everything, every sound, every word they said.
I remember staring a the light and it started to shift because of whatever I was given.

But that sound. The sucking sound. I lost it. cried on the table while they gave me this huge diaper thing to put on.

After that I stumbled off the table and they put me in the recovery room. I was given an extra shot because I’m RH- and I also asked for the depo shot(birth control) – So i was given that as well.

After the too long of a wait, I was able to get dressed and leave.  He was waiting there for me and I just started to cry.  He hugged me for what felt like forever until he took my down the elevator.

Got into his car and I just cried again. He held me until I stopped… drove for maybe…3 minutes and I burst out into tears again. He pulled over and held me while i sobbed for a good half hour.
That sound is forever etched into my brain and I know it will never leave me.
I will never be the same… maybe I wasn’t ready for a baby right now, but I damn well loved that little thing that was inside me.  I was 7 weeks and 2 days when I had the procedure.  I would have been 8 weeks today. I’m heartbroken, and now my friend – it seems like he is too scared to talk to me. He’s distant and quiet… Yet if I message him and tell him I’m having a really hard time, he’s right there to hold me until I’m done crying.  I don’t understand anything thats happening.  I’m so lost and I feel like I’m starting to annoy him.  My mom is still off with my decision and I just feel like dying some days.

I’ll never be able to forget about the what ifs.

If anyone reads this and needs help making a decision.
Do what your gut tells you to do. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself.
You know who you are, you know what you are capable of and whatever you feel is right,
is just that. Right..

Amber

I recently had an abortion at 15 weeks.   My first altrasound was at 8 weeks.  When I first found out, I had no idea what I was going to do.  I have always wanted to have children one day.  The guy I was with (in a very new relationship)  was involved in a lot of bad things including a gang and drugs.  This isn’t something I wanted to bring a child into however I wanted this baby.

When I told L he told me I had to kill it.  I had considered abortion but when he told me what he wanted me to do I felt as if that was my only option:   that was what i had to do.  On the day of the abortion I felt sick just going there.  I took a close friend and when I laid down on the bed about to go to sleep I immediately knew this wasn’t what I wanted.

When I got home I felt guilty…  About a month later I started having nightmares and the have been reoccurring ever since, I’ve spoken to my close friend but I feel as though I need to have people around who have had to make the same awful decision..

Worst decision of my life

My boyfriend and I started dating last summer. Through the course of our relationship we fell madly & deeply in love. I wasn’t on birth control, we didn’t use condoms, he didn’t like them. We had a long distance relationship since I went away to school in NH and he went to school at home in NYC.

After spending a long spring break with him, I returned back to school. Two days later I realized my period was late, it was always on time. I ran to the pharmacy and purchased a pregnancy test. I peed on the first stick, and it took a while to appear but there they were: the two pink lines. I thought it might have been a mistake, so I took the second stick and again it came back positive.

I stood in the middle of my dorm room in tears– not of fear but of excitement. I called my boyfriend and he couldn’t believe it, he suggested an abortion but I was totally against it. I told him he could leave me, I refused to get an abortion. Yet there I was freaking out not knowing how I would tell my parents. I’m only 19 and have a promising future. My parents worked so hard to give me the best life they could, they were paying my very expensive tuition. How could I even dare to disappoint them in such a way?

My boyfriend told his parents and he became excited, he was working hard, working full time bussing tables at a Manhattan upscale restaurant. Towards the end of my semester I realized I couldn’t keep it, it was not the right thing for me. I became selfish and thought only about myself. I told my boyfriend I decided to have an abortion. He was furious and torn apart– he wanted more than anything to be a father. I scheduled an appointment for as soon as I got home for summer vacation. I went to my appointment with my best friend, and I was ready but my insurance couldn’t cover it. I didn’t end up getting the abortion.

A couple of weeks passed and my boyfriend finally became comfortable with the decision I had made for myself. But it angered me. Time passed, my belly kept growing beautifully and I still hadn’t told my parents. My close friends and boyfriend continuously asked me when I planned to get the procedure, and I would ignore them. I finally told my boyfriend I was not so sure anymore and he became agitated.

I was 17 weeks when I first felt my baby kick me, it had to be the most beautiful thing I have ever felt, I was overcome with happiness and excitement. But I was also sad because I knew I could not keep the baby. My excuse was disappointing and humiliating my parents. I couldn’t bear making them upset, especially my mother. I was terrified of betraying her. My whole life revolved around making them happy.

I went into Planned Parenthood and got the two day procedure done, and it was by far the most traumatic event I have ever gone through. Right after, my boyfriend picked me up from the clinic and we rode the train in complete silence while I cried hysterically. I hated myself, I hated him, and I hated my parents for expecting so much from me.

Now here I am almost a month after my abortion writing this because I don’t know who to turn to. I hate myself and have no motivation to continue my life, I have no desire to better myself. I sit at home and constantly cry. I can’t talk to the closest person to me. I feel all alone. I regret having an abortion. Worst decision of my life.

 

From: projectvoice.com.

My dark secret

I found out that I was pregnant in March. I bought three different brands of pregnancy tests and sat in a restaurant bathroom staring at all three of them at once– a plus sign, two blue lines, and two pink lines.

I’m 28 years, so this wasn’t a tragedy. (At least it wasn’t on that day.) I was in love with the man whose baby was growing inside of me, and, while this added stress to my life (I was married to another man), I didn’t feel the kind of panic that a pregnant 16 year-old might. Of course, my heart pounded loud in my chest, and I worried about what the father might say and what I would do about my marriage, but I was okay.

That okay-ness left me the next day. While the father and I were on a run together, I got sick and threw up my blueberry bagel in front of him. He asked me why I was sick all the time, and when I didn’t answer, he asked me if I was pregnant. I said yes, and he quite literally ran away. He said we’d talk later, and he ran down the trail next to the Deschutes River.

For the next couple of days, I took care of myself. I didn’t drink alcohol or caffeine. I took vitamins and got my rest. I went online to read about what was going on inside of me. There was even a little part of me that was happy about the little person inside of me. I was nervous, but I was going to be a mom.

But then it happened. The father sat me down and told me that he didn’t want to be a dad. Maybe ever. He said that this baby would ruin his life. He said that the baby wouldn’t make him love me more or be happier with me. (I never said it would, but the words still stung.) And he said that his “vote” was for me to terminate the pregnancy. He said he couldn’t believe I was “even considering keeping it.”

I fell apart. My world crumbled. I didn’t have a partner in this. I was pregnant from a guy who wasn’t my husband and who didn’t want to be a father. I couldn’t tell anybody. I was absolutely alone in a way that I have never felt before. I couldn’t tell my mom. I didn’t want to tell my friends. And the only man who knew just wanted me to end it and never speak again.

Five months later, I see that I made my decision too quickly. I see now that I was only thinking of the father. But I did make the decision to end the pregnancy on March 30, 2010.

I don’t want to talk about that experience. I hated it. Every. Single. Second. I hated sitting in the clinic. I hated seeing my little baby in an ultrasound (I was 7 weeks, 5 days along). I hated watching the video about what my body was about to experience. I hated it when people would use the word “abortion,” and I hated it when it felt like they were avoiding the word and calling it a “termination of pregnancy.”

And I hated the abortion itself. The pain was intense, and knowing what my body was doing made it worse. I hated feeling the contractions in my uterus as the drugs forced everything out of me. The bleeding scared me. My whole body shook. The drugs made me throw up and dry heave so hard that it felt like my eyes were going to pop. It was nothing like the video said it was going to be.

The father was good to me on the day of the “procedure,” but I think it was because he felt guilty. And I think he wanted to go to the clinic with me to make sure that I followed through with “our” decision. (As I type this, I feel my teeth clench, and I obviously feel residual anger toward him.)

Five months later, I still feel alone. I feel regret for the decision that I made even though, in many ways, my life is better and less complicated.

And I am sad that I can’t talk to anyone. My abortion is my dark secret that I will just carry around for the rest of my life. The only one who knows what I did was the father, and I am pretty sure that he is just glad the whole thing is over… if he even thinks about it at all.

But it is not over for me. I still check pregnancy websites at work to see what date my baby would be due. I look at pictures of fetuses at different stages of development and catch myself massaging my empty uterus. I dream of my pregnant self. I look at the father – whom I still love – and wonder how he could have been so sure that an abortion would be best for us. I look at pregnant women and feel embarrassed at my own anger towards them (and the men walking next to them). I cry when I hear songs or stories about men who change their mind in the clinic, hug their frightened partners, and go home together. I am having trouble forgiving myself.

And I don’t know how to make things right with myself or the world. I don’t know how to stop thinking about the baby that will never be born. I don’t know how to ease the guilt and sadness. Maybe I’ll always feel like this… but I hope not.

 

From: projectvoice.com.