I heard the scream.

2012. I want to tell my story in the hope that it may change even 1 girl’s mind and help save 1 baby. My children have never heard this story and I pray they will forgive me for killing their older brother/sister.

1972 I was 18 and very naïve. I moved to the big city to work….very exciting. I met a young man who was very sure of himself and to me he was worldly and experienced in life and a nice person.  We started dating.  I was living in the Nurses Home but that never stopped me from going out and partying with him and staying out late. I was not very experienced in having a sexual relationship and not long after, I noticed I had missed my period. I told my boyfriend and he told me to give him a sample of my urine and he would take it to his doctor.

My boyfriend had just turned 18years old. He was 5 months younger than me. But he seemed years older and much more mature than I was. He told me the doctor tested the urine and I was definitely pregnant and the doctor told him to get it aborted as we were too young to have a child and my boyfriend was still doing his apprenticeship. My boyfriend had a friend whom he knew had an abortion and we went to talk with her. She gave us a name of a Doctor who does abortions in a hospital.

I had told no-one about my situation. We went to this big high-rise apartment building in St Kilda and waited to see the doctor. He called us in. He told us he could perform the abortion for a fee. I would have to go and see a Psychiatrist that he recommended and he would ask me some questions and I was to tell him that I didn’t want to go through with this pregnancy and he would sign a letter stating that I was not competent to have a baby and then I could get it aborted. All this time I had felt it was like a disease I had and needed to get rid of it.

At no time did I think of the tiny baby I was carrying. If someone had talked to me or shown me pictures (never had ultra sounds back then) I know I would have thought differently. If someone had just told me that I could keep my baby and they would help me. If my boyfriend had said he wanted his baby I would have kept it. But it was all about getting rid of it. We made the appointment at a small private hospital in Caulfield. I arrived by train in the morning after not eating. I was told I had to put the cash in an envelope marked with the Doctors name and place it on the bedside table. I had to dress in a hospital gown and get into bed. I was there all alone as my boyfriend had to work. He was picking me up after. There were other women in beds next to me. We all had our curtains drawn.

My turn came and I was put on a trolley and wheeled to a small operating theatre. I was told to move over onto the operating table that was fitted with metal stirrups for your legs. The doctor made a comment to the orderly along the lines of ‘she is a nurse and she knows what is going to happen’ they kind of smirked to each other. It was like I was in a dream. I couldn’t think or feel anything. I didn’t know what was happening. I was given an anesthetic and lost consciousness. I have had anesthetics before and have never had any problems waking up. I always woke up and had a drink and was ok. I remember being still under the influence of the anesthetic and I could hear screaming in the distance. Not just once but several times. I was woken by the nurse and she told me to stop screaming as it was upsetting the other patients.

The screaming was coming from me. I have never done this before. I believe I had heard my baby scream in pain and fear and I was screaming for him. I was given some sandwiches and I noticed that the envelope was gone. I had just paid someone to murder my baby. The method they used was scraping and suction. On my records it was stated that I had a D and C. Dilation and Curette which is a medical term they use when a woman has this procedure for excessive bleeding or other such things. My boyfriend picked me up and took me to his mother’s house. No-one was told what we had done. I carried this with me for many years not telling anyone.

We got married and after my first son was born I wanted him baptized and the priest wanted me to go to church and I did but because of what I had done and because I felt that God could never forgive me, I could not receive communion but I could not tell the priest why. It was only after we moved to Tasmania and I met a young priest at my kid’s school. He was very nice and not stuffy like the older priests and I felt I could finally confess to him what I had done. He told me that I just had to ask God to forgive me and that we don’t go to confession any more but I told him that this thing was so big it needed a priest. He heard my confession and gave me absolution and told me that Jesus has forgiven me.

It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could finally go to communion. I have never forgotten my first child and believe that I will see him one day and I can finally tell him how sorry I was that he was not allowed to live and that I never protected him. I can tell him that I heard his scream.


One Response to Dee

  • Dear Dee,

    Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. The abortion industry thrives on secrecy. Thank you for breaking the silence.

    Know that there are many people praying for healing for beautiful women like you. I am sending you the warmest hug and lots of prayers.

    God bless you and give you peace,


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