Jo

 

I had an abortion a day before my 21st.  I wasn’t 7 weeks. I have always wanted to be a mum. I had a miscarriage 3 months before the abortion and we were so happy, until my ex partner changed and suddenly turned abusive mentally and physically. We were both very upset about losing our baby and then he told me if I had my baby I couldn’to be with him and that I shouldn’t let our baby grow up without a dad or I’d ruin both of their lives.

He told me I needed to abort the child because he already had a baby and he wanted to focus on him. He told me this for weeks and I was keeping the baby then he told me I had to do it and because I was scared of him I did . I broke down in the clinic and I collapsed. I was hysterical and I wouldn’t let him come with me.  I hated him.

After I had the abortion I felt nothing, didn’t cry, turned to drugs and alcohol. 6 months later I stopped drinking. It all hit me and I cried every night.  I hit myself.  I tried killing myself.  I overdosed. I went to a counsellor and they told me to confront him and I did.

I told him how I felt. His reply was it was my fault; that I should have been different and it hurt him as well and I knew that was a lie. He ended up with twins and I was left with nothing.

Now I’m engaged trying for a baby and we can’t fall pregnant. That makes it worse. I have had 4 miscarriages and I want my baby back. I wish I never did what I had done. Birthdays, Easter, Mother’s Day, Christmas… I feel like something is missing and that’s my baby. I want my baby back more then anything. I wish I could change that day. I loved my baby. I used to talk to my baby and cry because I knew I couldn’t kept my baby . I don’t know when this pain will ease because it hasn’t, not a little, but I always think of my baby I will always love my baby. People always say it wasn’t a baby yet and once you have a baby it will be ok but I know it won’t because that was my baby.! Nothing can change that. .

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