Karla, I will never forgive myself

My sister had a baby girl 5 weeks ago, only 1 week before the date my baby would have been due to be born.  Everybody is so happy.  She is the first grandchild.  She is so beautiful.  I held her on the day she was born, felt the softness of her skin and smelt her.  I didn’t want to stop smelling her.   I don’t think I’ve smelt a new baby before.  How can they smell so good?

When I got into my car after leaving the hospital, I began to cry, sitting there in the car park, tears just streaming down my face.   I couldn’t understand it.  I just kept crying.   I was thankful it was dark so nobody could see me sitting there.  Suddenly I was crying so hard, and feeling like I was suffocating and panicking.   I opened the car door thinking I needed to get out; I stood up, but I didn’t know where to go.  That’s when it hit me;  the smell of that little girl was like something so familiar, something I knew but couldn’t remember.   Sitting there in that car I realised it was the smell of the baby I wasn’t having.

I aborted my baby, a baby I hadn’t thought of as a baby until that moment.  It was matter of fact.  My boyfriend was married.  He didn’t want to leave his wife.  I didn’t want him to leave his children.  It was the right thing to do.  I didn’t tell anyone.   I didn’t even ask my boyfriend to pay for it.   It was easy.  I didn’t give it a lot of thought, not then, and not even a couple of weeks later when my sister announced her pregnancy.  In fact I didn’t really think about it again at all.

Now I can’t stop.  Now I look at my sister’s little girl and all I think about is what I did, what I’ve lost, the smell of her.   I am so confused by how I am feeling.  I have never heard of anyone ever not being happy with an abortion.   Why didn’t I know how big this was?   I’m not a teenager.  I’m educated.  I killed my child and I didn’t even blink.   I haven’t cried again since that day in the carpark.   I can’t afford to.  I don’t feel anything.  I have nowhere to go.  I will never forgive myself..

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