Considering I am already a single mother to a 3 year old child and struggling, I thought I was making the right choice.  However, within days of my procedure I deeply regret my decision.  It’s now been two weeks and I’m still miserable.  The worst part is the doctors did not give me an abortion; they set me up for a miscarriage.  I went to have the procedure done February 1, 2014.
February 8th, my stomach started to hurt so bad.  I mean, so bad that I could barely move.  The doctor told me I would have a regular period with cramps, but this was different.  I told my mother it felt more like I was having contractions rather than cramps.  My stomach was killing me, my back was killing me, and I felt so constipated.  That night I got the same feeling. I also kept having hours at a time where I felt as if I had to pee so bad, but could not.

Finally around 3 in the morning February 9th, I felt like something was sliding out of me. I thought it was a blood clot, but it was kind of big. I went to the bathroom to have a grayish bloody blob on my pad. I rolled the pad up and threw it in the trash.  While sitting on the toilet more came out. Me being the curious person I am wanted to know what was coming out of me.  I took something long in the bathroom and began to poke it, only to find out I was poking the head to my baby. Right next to it looked like a tiny foot. I freaked out and flushed it. I literally stopped breathing for a while. It felt as if my world just paused.

Now, not only did I have the deep regret of getting rid of my baby in the first place, but as of the 9th I am so deeply depressed that I had to see that. I believe that was my punishment though. I know that I didn’t want to see that, but that’s exactly what I get for being so selfish and trying to get rid of my baby anyway. I have to now live forever knowing that what was in my pad was possibly my baby’s body. And if so now the body is somewhere wrapped up in garbage and the head is in the sewer. I don’t think I’ll ever find it in me to forgive myself.

I honestly believe my unborn child was a girl. Everything in me tells me it was a girl. Her name would have been Chase. Chase Anthony for a boy or Chase Ariel for a girl. But that was my Chase Ariel. All she wanted was life, and she deserved it. She deserved for me to let her have her life and love her like I do her big brother, and I chose not to. And now I will live with that pain and the image of her in my head for the rest of my life..

One Response to Kay

  • Teresa says:

    Dear sweet Kay – please forgive yourself. God loves you and forgives you, even if you don’t know He is real. Your baby loves and forgives you. You wouldn’t have made that “choice” of abortion if someone had walked alongside you, if you knew someone ‘had your back’.
    Please do all you can to seek help and healing – there are a number of organisations who can help you. The administrator of this abortion regret website will be able to suggest a few places I am sure. In Brisbane there is the Priceless Life Centre and their Pregnancy Support arm, in Melbourne there is Victims of Abortion etc.
    You deserve to love yourself again as it is only when we love and forgive ourselves, we can love and forgive others.
    With a warm and loving hug,

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