K’s story

October 12th, 2014.
I will always remember this date, every cold detail.

I had been in a loving relationship for about one year, we are still happily together now. When I found out I was pregnant I went numb, I walked into the kitchen and started buttering a piece of toast and then just sunk to the floor and sobbed. He held me and without even talking we both knew what came next. We were young, had a million things we wanted to accomplish. The fact that we didn’t want a family then doesn’t mean we didn’t want one later on.

We arrived at the clinic very early in the morning, before the sun came up and everything was grey and dew covered. I had been listening to the song A Postcard to Henry Purcell from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack on repeat for the entire drive, and then one final time through while we sat parked. Their was one single protester, he stood alone with a sign on the pathway that lead up to the clinic’s front door. It was terrifying, I was just going through the motions.

I was early enough in my pregnancy to have a medical abortion. The doctor took one final ultrasound, I still have the image tucked inside and envelope. I can’t bring myself to throw it away, that would mean erasing all evidence that it every existed. I realize it was only a small seed of cells, this was the reassurance I gave myself to follow through with the abortion. What hurts me now to this day is the potential of what that little seed of cells would have become.

Every year on October 12th we remember. I know this hasn’t taken the same toll on my boyfriend as it has on myself, he was hurt seeing me suffer but my pain came from somewhere else. I hurt because I consciously decided to end the life growing inside of my before it started. That life would have been a part of me and him, but was never given the chance. Two years ago on the first anniversary we spent the day walking around these beautiful public gardens taking pictures of the changing trees, this year we did the same thing and next year we’ll probably do just that. I have to be outside looking at beautiful things, because if I don’t i’ll spend all day locked away thinking about the ugliest thing I’d ever done.

I have coped with what has happened, and I can say I mostly live day to day in peace. The dark spots come in the doubt and the wondering what might have been. When I do decide that I’m ready to have a family I will always be affected by the choice I made. I will always think each year how old that person would be, how different my life would have been. I chose this path, and I did it out of a selfish love for myself and my future, but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like an open wound for all of time.

One Response to K’s story

  • L says:

    Your story resonated with me. I, too, have an extremely hard time dealing with a decision I made some 20 years ago! We were always very careful until one night my bf whispered to me, “do you want to have my baby?” We were young, me 17 & him 19…but for some reason that night, it felt so right. I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and so I said yes! He came inside me and even though I’d never gotten pregnant in the 3 years we’d been dating, that night we did. It felt like we asked for a gift and were given it. It didn’t take long before the panic set in. My mum refused to let us stay there…his mum refused to let us stay with her. He was about to start college away from home/ he had a classic car he was restoring and was concerned he’s never get to do that. That was my last straw. How could I bring a baby into the world whose own father was more concerned about fixing a car up than his or her life?!

    I scheduled the appointment and I remember every horrible detail down to the clothes I was wearing that day. I look back and I’m disgusted at myself. I get physically sick thinking about what that child could of been and how I thought I had any right to do what I did?! I’ve cried more tears than every ocean could hold but it won’t take me back for a redo. I know I was young, terrified, confused- but it doesn’t help me come to grips with it. It doesn’t help matters that my boyfriend and I broke up shortly after based mostly on my resentment for him about pushing me to choose abortion. I have children today and Love them with all that I am- but I still long for that child.

    My heart physically hurts and yearns for that baby. I will die with this regret on my soul. I wish it was a requirement to have some sort of pre counseling before making This decision, especially if you are under 18. You just don’t see the future or think of the implications when you are that young.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>