I was 20 years old when I had my termination.  My partner and I had been together for 15 months and we had not long shifted in together and made a home when we found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.  We made a decision (a heartbreaking one for me) that a termination would be performed.

We went to the doctors and were sent off to see a specialist.  It was another week before we saw the specialist who matter of factly informed me of what the procedure consisted of.  He then performed an ultrasound and let me look at the screen, I wish I never did.  The part that haunts me the most is that image on the screen.

He sent me off to book into hospital where they informed me about what preparation I had to do & all about my day surgery, the date they booked me for was another 2 weeks away (we live in a country town so that was when the surgeon was visiting the hospital again).

The 3 weeks between when I discovered I was pregnant and having the procedure were the longest of my life and I had become quiet attached to the little being in me, I even found myself talking to you without even realising. Nobody understood, I was the only one who was reminded of your presence 24/7, I was the only one who could feel you in there giving me butterflies.

The big day came and my partner and I headed to check me in around 6:30am.  They put me in a gown, set me up in bed, gave me dilating tablets and some pain relief.  My partner then had to leave around 8am so they could prep me, it was then that it hit me that this is actually happening.

I had never felt so alone in the 3 hours between him leaving & waiting to be wheeled into surgery, I had to tell 3 nurses, the anaesthetist and the booking clerk what I was having done, I was so ashamed every time I said it, I couldn’t even bring myself to tell most of my friends or family and here I was telling strangers.

I woke up thinking I can’t believe that’s it, it’s so simple, how could it be?

Ihe nurses gave me something to eat.  I got dressed and my partner took me home and I began my regular life again. I dismissed it like nothing happened. How could I forget that I ended a life?

It’s so horrible to think about it now and to think i felt like I had some hush hush disease and I had to rid myself of it. Knowing what I know now it’s a decision that I took too lightly and made too easily.  There should be someone who makes sure you know EXACTLY what you are doing and you should be made to speak to women who have done it.

I wish I could change the past because things like this wreck a part of your soul, it leaves you with a sadness and regret that you can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t done this.

I urge any woman who has to make a choice that you consider how you might feel 6 or 12 months afterwards. It’s hard to admit that I didn’t do what was right for me. 

I did what I everyone else thought was right for me but hind sight is always 20/20.  I hope to be lucky enough to have another chance and to make it right..

4 Responses to Lauren

  • Dear Lauren,

    Thank you for telling of the sadness your abortion has caused you. It is only when women are brave enough to speak out, that other pregnant girls may reconsider their “right” to abort. Far too often, these girls DON’T want the “right” to abortion but the RIGHT TO BE HEARD, and the RIGHT TO BE SUPPORTED in their pregnancies.

    Don’t underestimate the power of the written word – thank you again for writing it on this silence-breaking website.

    Hugging you from afar and praying for you,


  • John says:

    Dear Lauren

    Thank you for your story, I pray that your pain will ease and that you will forgive yourself; in the meantime may your story save many other little lives


  • Milton Caine says:

    My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story as this is the first step in the total recovery.


  • Nancy Cairo says:

    Lauren I know how you feel – I saw one of my babies in an ultra sound – later I was told he had Downs Syndrome. I didn’t even give him a chance at life as I had not been given the time to process the information. To me he was perfect and I killed him. I was forced to get rid of him as it was better for society. The other, I was not given any information or what they really do. I have no knowledge or any memory of my baby except l was coerced again.

    Only us women can experience this pain for eternity :-(

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