Mel, the reality is slowing sinking in.

I had my abortion 2 years ago this week.  I’d always thought of myself as pro-choice.  My pro-choice friends encouraged me when I fell pregnant to a guy I hardly knew.  I wasn’t the first in my group to have an abortion.  Only one of my friends said she wondered if it was the best idea, hers didn’t work out so well.   I’ve lost touch with her.  Now that I think about it, I didn’t really see very much of her at all after I had my abortion.

I didn’t even think much about my abortion actually.  I went to a clinic.  It was pretty straightforward.  They didn’t bother me with too many questions.. seemed all a lot easier than perhaps it should have been in retrospect.  Just lately I’ve started seeing a lot of babies around.  One of my friends is pregnant and I was feeling very angry with her for no reason at all, then a few days ago I woke up in the middle of the night feeling panicky and I burst into tears.  This is so shocking to me.

I started googling to see if it was normal for me to feel angry at my friend and be thinking about my abortion, especially when I thought it was all in the past.  As I read the stories of other women, I started to cry.   This is when all my pro-choice friends would tell me I’m being brainwashed or at least stupid.  But it doesn’t feel like that at all.   My friend is having a baby…. a baby.   How come she is having a baby and I just stopped a pregnancy which apparently had nothing to do with a baby?

It really is all a lie.  My abortion wasn’t traumatic like I see it was for some women.  But then having a baby wouldn’t have been the end of my life either.  I would have coped.  I just didn’t really think of it.  I just took the easy way.  That’s what I thought anyway.

The reality is slowly sinking in.  And I’m not liking it at all..

3 Responses to Mel, the reality is slowing sinking in.

  • JMC says:

    Mel, I am so sorry for your loss. What you are going through is normal for the situation you are in…because there was no one to help you recognize your pregnancy was a baby it is natural that you will grieve when your friends pregnancy shows you what you were unable to see. Anger is a normal part of grief… and it is why your pro-choice friends who have had abortions seem to disappear. Because they secretly grieve their loss as well.
    Don’t let hurt and anger destroy you…use them constructively to make changes to your present life…find a support organization, like a pregnancy center that has post-abortion services or Rachel’s Vineyard that can help you through the loss.

  • Sue says:

    Dear Mel, Sadly, those that advocate abortion do not realize that there are 2 victims in an abortion…the mother and the child. Sometimes it takes decades for women to realize that the hurt from the abortion is what is bothering them. So the fact that you realize now may save you years of needless suffering. Please seek help. There are many others like you who suffer with this realization. I will keep you in my prayers. I also recommend Rachel’s Vineyard.

  • Lee Anne says:

    Mel – I also had an abortion – 45 years ago. I chose not to think about it for years and years and years – and now, when I think about it, the reality of the procedure, the termination of my son’s life, I don’t like it at all, either.

    I lived in Mt. Isa, QLD about six years after my abortion – one of the women I worked with – I was a teacher – became pregnant and she flew down to Sydney for the day to terminate her pregnancy. I never told her (because I never talked about my abortion in those days) that she should not terminate her pregnancy…but oh how I wish I had. When she returned from Sydney, she was a changed woman – withdrawn and not at all the woman she had been prior.

    I pray for all of us who went along with having abortions, for in the end, I truly believe, not a one of us likes the reality of what we have done.

    There is hope, though – and like the two other comments above have said, Rachel’s Vineyard retreats is a very good place to return to hope! God Bless you – Mel – praying for you.

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