Michelle Deeply regretful

 

I want to start by saying that I do not think abortion is wrong. For some women, the decision to abort comes easily and some women can and do lead normal lives without lifelong regret. I am not one of those women though which is why I ended up here.

I don’t think that my negative experience means all women should be denied their own right to live their lives as they see fit. I am however sharing because I don’t know what else to do and because some women may identify with my experience and I would hope it reaches them before they go on to make a decision that will mark their lives forever.

My abortion is rather recent. It has only been four days but my pain, sorrow and regret are immense. I was 9 weeks and 4 days when I terminated my pregnancy. I had thought about my options for a little over a month. I wanted an indefinite amount of time to decide, mostly because I didn’t actually want to decide.

Unlike a lot of stories I have read here I was given all the information about my options. I found everyone to be helpful and no one lied to me about the difficulties of abortion. Once at the procedure I was reminded that abortion was permanent and that it was not an easy choice.

My decision to abort was not much of a choice. I was co-erced by my partner into aborting.

I had already bonded with my precious baby, and I already loved it more than life itself. I knew abortion would ruin me. When my baby was taken from me a piece of me died along with it. I have an injured soul that will never heal. I pleaded with my partner many times. I even gave him a get out of jail free card. But he didn’t want any of it. He just didn’t want to have offspring anywhere out there in the world at this moment. I tried to put myself in his shoes to understand him and I can sympathize.

But I loved my baby so much already I just could not imagine living without it. Mostly I scheduled the procedure to show him I was at least trying to see if I could go through with it. Overall, this was just such a tough situation. On the one hand, I wanted my baby. On the other, I knew my partner would hate me for keeping it. I also didn’t want him to hate my baby. I didn’t want to ever have to explain to my precious child that his/her father just didn’t want him/her. It’s so hard having to make a decision that affects more than just myself.

I had in my hands the life of my child, my own life, my boyfriends and our families. It wasn’t a decision that affected only me. It was all too much for me to consider. In any case, I knew deep in my heart that abortion was not something I wanted to do. I went to my appointment, my boyfriend accompanied me. I was pretty sure that at the last minute I would panic and decide to keep my baby. But I was sedated and given pretty powerful pain medication that prevented me from thinking rationally. I don’t remember too much about the procedure. It started before I even realized it. I was supposed to say something at the very last possible moment. That way my boyfriend could at least see I tried. But those powerful meds made me lose the ability to do this.

By the time i’d realized what had happened it was too late to take it back. I didn’t feel the real effects until the next day once the drugs had completely worn off. I was devastated. I still am. I am broken. I don’t know how to cope. Part of me wants to die. Living without my lovely baby seems like a terrible existence. I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I will never be the same again. I write this because I think it can be therapeutic but also because I want women/girls who can relate to my story and use me as an example.

If you feel a deep intimate bond with your baby, abortion may not be right for you. It won’t be easy and you won’t come out of the situation the same. I can’t do anything to bring my baby back. Abortion is permanent. I read somewhere that we’ll never regret the children we do have, but we’ll regret those that we never let live. This has remained with me. .

3 Responses to Michelle Deeply regretful

  • Sonja says:

    Michelle, I truly believe that a part of any abortion counseling should be screening for coercion. I’m sure there are many women, like you, who abort when what they really want is to keep their babies and who are then left to mourn their loss. You are not alone in this.
    There is legal support for women who have been failed in this way.
    I hope you find peace and comfort.

  • Catia says:

    Dear Michelle,

    I am so sorry for your situation…I wish I knew you, I wish I was your friend 4 days ago to give you the hope and strength you needed to say NO! I have never been in your situation but I am a mother, so I can empathize with you in what you said in bonding with your baby even at such early days. My prayers for you in your hour of sorrow and for your partner.

  • Haley says:

    I am so glad that I found this.. I’ve been crying all night & just cannot stop. I had my abortion on November 6th & I was 9 weeks & 5 days along. I felt like I had this weird connection to my baby & thought maybe I was crazy. I chose to have an abortion because everyday of being pregnant was like world war 3 with the baby’s father. He wanted the baby more than anything in the world.. but all he did was pick fights with me & get into screaming matches with me. I knew I’d end up losing the baby from all of the constant fighting everyday. I loved my baby so much already & I was so protective already.. but at some point I just decided I couldn’t put my baby through a life like that, but I also couldn’t handle not being in my baby’s life. I wish I would’ve died on the table during the procedure.. I really do & it’s horrible to say, but I can’t help it. I’m pro-choice as well, & I’m not religious at all, so leaning towards “God” won’t help me one bit. As horrible as I’ve been feeling everyday & definitely right now, I’m at least glad to know that I’m not crazy about feeling like some part of me is gone & I’ll never get it back.. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope that one day we can move on from this, not forget it, but just move forward & have the babies that we are missing so dearly.

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