“Please, please don’t.

so my story starts in 2013.

My partner and I were engaged and already had a beautiful 1 year old, we decided it would be a wonderful idea to start trying to conceive, we always wanted our children close in age and we knew this is what we wanted. we kept it a secret because we knew if his family found out they would be furious because they hated the idea of us being together they made it very clear. in January 2014 we had successfully conceived our second child, we managed to keep it quiet until one night I had strange pains and asked his mother to take me to the hospital to get the all clear, obviously we had to tell her I was pregnant. she was so angry. she started saying stuff like ‘if you don’t abort this baby or give it to me I will take away your 1year old, you cant have another child’ and ‘you need to abort this baby’. she got into my partners head and he even started saying horrible things saying I had to. this all broke my heart. his mother made the appointment to have it done. I really didn’t want it, but somewhere she got into my head and got me to do it. so at 8weeks pregnant I had the abortion. I cried so hard for weeks, still remembering the weeks as the went by, every Saturday was the start of a new week ( 16/01/2014 – May -2014 EDD 18/10/2014 ).

but my story isn’t over yet, i was put on birth control and as the weeks past my partner started apologising and saying he wish it never happened and even became distant, he too was affect from all this. In June 2014 that same year my birth control had problems and out it came. my partner and i agreed that no matter what happened that we would never EVER repeat history and that we could never do that again. August came around and complete shock i was pregnant, we were so happy. we kept this a secret because we knew as soon as his mother found out she would go mental ! but then my partner moved out and moved into his mother, i knew in the back of my head it was the end but i refused to believe, trying to hang onto everything.

he didn’t even come to the first ultrasound at 6weeks, that’s when everyone was told and BAM shit hit the fan AGAIN ! by this point he had ended our relationship and was telling me he never wanted kids and that i was to have an abortion. he went on how that i was not to have the baby and that i wasn’t even to adopt it out to a loving family because he didn’t want to be known as a dead beat dad ( BUT WHAT ? i was meant to be the murderer ? !) i told him i didn’t care what he had to say anymore and that it wasn’t up to him.

In September that year i went into a complete depression state, wanting to kill myself and i had no idea what to do. i was getting told daily to choose death over life to the point i wanted to take me own life, i was even admitted into care. during this time he went to the courts and filled for full custody just to be spiteful to me because i was still pregnant. i then believed i had to make the hard decision and have the abortion so at 14weeks i had it again (July 2014 – Oct 2014 – EDD 27/03/2015)

i still find it hard to get to sleep even though i have my child back and my depression has almost completely gone away. i still sit awake thinking of all these dates and still feel so guilty ever day !

everytime i see someone have their baby, i just wish i never ever had those abortions and that it was me holding my newborn child in my arms, smelling the sweet scent of babies all around me.

I will never ever forget the days i had this done and i will never forgive myself for doing so – i just hope that one day i can look back at this and stop blaming myself for everything.

So if you are considering to have an abortion, please please please don’t. you ARE strong enough you ARE capable and you WILL be the best parent for that child. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !.

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