Rach

Two years ago I had an abortion.  When I found out, I was in an on-again off-again relationship that had been steady for 3 years before that.  It was pretty rocky, but we loved eachother still at the time.  After I did the test, my world just came crashing down.  Right away, I told myself I needed to get rid of “it.”

I immediately took action to do so, and in the couple of weeks it took to get things done, I never referred to it as a baby.  I never told the father…the social worker told me it was best not to, seeing the relationship status I was in (he was obsessive and getting scary.)

Two years later, I regret having had the abortion.  Not one day goes by that I don’t think about the baby that could have been. I see couples with babies, baby items, one of my friends recently had a baby…I feel jealousy and want and loss.  At family gatherings, I always imagine where my baby would be sitting at the table, what he would look like.  I often think how old he (a feeling I have that the baby was a he) would be, how big he would be, what date his birthday would have been.

I wonder what it would be like to have my own little family, how things would have turned out for me had I kept him. In my family, only my mother and father know about my abortion…not my sisters nor my brother. My mother never wanted me to tell my siblings…but I would really want them to know…but is that being selfish? I also feel anger towards the father, because he knows nothing of this and has gone on with his life, guilt free. I know I shouldn’t be angry at him – I am the one who never told him.
Taking those pills early that morning they took him out of me…I don’t understand how I could have done that. Taking those pills killed my baby…the blood coming out of me…that was my baby dying from something I did to him. I know abortion is legal, but I feel that I killed him…that’s what I did…all the doctors did was remove the tiny undevelopped baby that was inside of me. I’m scared that I’ll never have the chance to be pregant again…
Right after the abortion, I was fine with it…but more time goes by, more I am not fine with it.  I know deep down that abortion isn’t murder…but it still feels that way.  I also know that so many girls/women get abortions and get along fine…which makes me wonder what’s wrong with me for still crying about it.  I jut keep hoping one day I’ll be over my guilt..

2 Responses to Rach

  • Lyn Schoof says:

    Rach, thank you for sharing your story. I hear that you are in a lot of pain and my heart aches for you. I also hear your struggle with trying to understand your feelings when you compare them to what society things and tells you – i.e, abortion is legal so it must be ok, why do I suffer so much?? Be assured, Rach, many, many women do struggle with their abortions. Some statistics show up to 65% of women are hurt from their abortions. All your feelings- guilt, regret, anger are normal for someone who has been through what you have been through.
    I hope you will find someone who you can talk to about these things, and so find healing and peace.

  • Steph Mitchell says:

    I’ve just read a story from another woman who regrets her abortion and she has started a website ‘Joy Has Wings’ which might help you. Her story can be found here, http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/i-wish-like-hell-i-didnt-have-the-right-to-choose-that-day

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