17 years, a grandchild remembered

My story is nearly 17 years old but is as fresh today as it was then.
My 18 yr old son and his 17 yr old girl in their pledge to be together forever, decided naively to try for a baby. They quickly achieved a pregnancy and were planning for this child.
I myself was also pregnant, and when my son came to me and told me this my instinct was to share my prenatal vitamins etc. Just a few weeks later his girlfriend after telling her parents about the baby, began to behave differently. It quickly came to light that they had persuaded her that by having this child she would wreck her plans for her career and become just another teenage mum.
I tried my hardest to talk to her and told her I would support and help her as much as she needed, to no avail. I held her hand as I begged her for the life of my grandchild, but the limp clammy hand signalled it was falling on deaf ears.
I got home from work one Sunday evening to find my 18 year old son sobbing uncontrollably as he told me the abortion was scheduled for the next day. I held him in my arms and sobbed with him. He wrote the most beautiful poem to his unborn child ( he believed God had shown him it was a daughter) which I may share at some point, but it was written in love and a broken heart, and to this day, tears my heart out. I pleaded with God the whole night for the life of this child, my own baby kicking in my belly. Somehow, quietly and gently He told me He would not violate the girls will, it was her choice. Over the next 12 hours peace came and grew in my heart; I knew there was nothing I could do, as my son wrote in his poem, she was on her way to be with the Lord.
Every November I remember that day, and every beginning of June I think of how old she would be now, just 2 months younger than my own daughter. I know I will see her one day, and I know my son and I did all we could, but the loss is still palpable. Love you Leah x

Empty

Oh beautiful one. Your story resonates with me. I too have 3 children and I had my 8 week 5 day old aborted on Tuesday. The most horrible day of my life and I am filled with such deep regret and sorrow and just want my baby back. I too had Hyperememis Gravidarum and was in hospital for 3 days. I too wish I had ran as soon as I was hesitant. I had booked in for counselling but couldn’t get in until next year. Our decision was because we would have gone bankrupt if we proceeded and the whole family would have suffered. I wish I had of been strong enough to find a way. I miss my baby every day. Sending you love, light and healing.

This is choice? K

I have three kids.  I just had a surgical termination on friday 16th.

I was 8 weeks pregnant.   I suffered Hypermemis Gravidarum and was already hospitalized 3 times for four days due to vomiting.

I regret every single moment of it and wish i just walked away out of their when i started to feel hesitant.  I do have a partner but unsupportive.

But the hospital advised me and then the pressure of speaking to a social worker in regards to being sick and how I feel etc I didn’t know if I could do it so close to Christmas and possibly be spending Christmas in hospital away from my babies I already have.  K

Jesse

My name is Jesse  and this is a short story I wrote when thinking about the abortion I had 9 months ago.

The mother wakes up to a cold dreary day.  She looks at her still sleepy face in her bedroom mirror that has been passed down from her grandmother to her mother and now to her.  Thoughts run through her head of what she should name her child.  If baby is a girl, perhaps Ruth or Lilly.

Ruth was her grandmother’s name on her mother’s side.  She remembered those cold nights spent in the upstairs of that home nestled in the corners of the mountains.  Nights spent listening to the talk between adults with the constant noise of Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy on the old television.  Moments spent hiding in the closet that was once used for the same purpose as her young mother.  Afternoons daring to slowly approach the haunted rooms up the long staircase.  She remembers the red glow of sun striking through the orange curtains and falling to the floor creating a rouge pathway to the room that must surely contain hidden ghouls amongst the remains of witchcraft.  As she was an only child these moments were spent alone, but never lonely.

Lilly was the name of one of her great grandmother’s sisters.  This side of the family was from Germany.  The family had been in Berlin for some time, at least until war struck sending her grandmother overseas with an American soldier as a husband.  When visiting Germany at the age of nine she was taken away with the fairy tale land around her.  Time spent chasing sheep in fields of small red flowers with mountains too big for man and yet close enough to touch.  A morning at the market wandering amongst venders that shout for your attention to their wares.  Seemingly endless taste tests of meat, bread, cheese and bountiful amounts of chocolate.  The feelings of that world were hers alone to remember, but never gave a feeling of loneliness.

She stretches and thoughtfully runs her hand across her small tummy that shows no sign of baby.  She glances at the time and realizes that her appointment is not that far off.  She undresses and steps into a warm shower.  The smell of lavender engulfs her and her thoughts drift to the colors she should choose for her baby’s room.  Lavender would be a delightful color.  Her baby girl would find peace and relaxation in tones of soft purples with white accents.  She could give her the white angel that was once her own mother’s to be placed up high to look over her.  The shower stops and the mother silently wraps a towel around her wet body.

She chooses a loose pink shirt today.  Pink for a girl.  Her daughter would always wear pink.  The mother has curly hair and hopes that her daughter has curls like her as well.  She imagines detangling a mess of hair on her daughter when she is five and her hair is long.  Then her little girl will begin to want to straighten it because all her friends will have straight hair.  Nights will be spent with a blowdryer and a hot iron as they gossip in a small bathroom.  The boys will chase her surely.  Arguments will ensue about when and with who she can go out with while she is busy doing her hair in front of an old mirror.

Once dressed she walks to her car and begins her drive to the office.  Her daughter will be what the mother never could be, an artist.  She will grow up with a paintbrush in her hand.  She will always be painting the walls and floors, beautiful messes that will go down in history as her first masterpieces.  Her clothes, her hands, her face and hair will catch the colors as she sits back to admire her work.  The mother arrives at the building on time.

As she waits for the nurse to call her name she Imagines her daughter’s wedding.  She will wear a soft tone on her wedding dress because she is not your average bride and has never fit inside a box.   She will be nervous to walk down the aisle not because she isn’t sure of her husband to be or because she is scared.  She will be nervous because of the happiness that has been built up within her since she was a child.  She will seem to be delicate on that day but really she will be the strongest one there.  She does not need a man but she has chosen her love to be a part of her.  The mother’s name is called.

She enters a white room and is told to undress and lie down a table under a white sheet.  The mother obeys wordlessly.  She closes her eyes but she finds dreaming to be too difficult now.  This silent day is now filled with noise.  The sharp sounds of medical professionals.  The course sound of her breathing getting faster and increasingly shallow.  The jumbled sounds of someone telling her it’s over and now she can leave.

The mother makes it to her car and drives home.  Not imagining or dreaming of anything.  No sobs wrack her body, no tears stain her face.  A lifetime of memories that once had purpose now feel meaningless.  Her life as an only child always seemed so full but this is the first time she feels truly alone.  She had been filled with her ideas and sentiments for her future.  But what is the point now?  She sees her eyes in the car mirror.  How many people died today?  Her eyes fill her with an unquenchable thirst for love.  Who really died today?

My heart is broken and I ask you to tell me, will I ever feel alive again?

 

 

Jane

At the time I was 18, my boyfriend 19.  I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years and we had sex for the very first time on our 2 year anniversary… After months and months of sex I realized I missed my period from a period tracker app I have on my phone. So we talked and talked.  He really wanted the baby so he took extra hours at work and he saved a TON of money.  Me being pregnant I was upset that he couldn’t talk to me as much or he couldn’t be around as much because he was literally always working for the baby and I.

I lived at home with my mum.  I was supposed to be leaving for school  but I missed it because I was focused on the baby and my health my mum didn’t know and at this point I was 2-3 months.  I didn’t tell her because I knew that she would say to get an abortion but I wanted my baby so I said nothing.

Eventually she started to notice (of course) and she took me to a clinic and I heard his/her heart beat they took measurements etc and I even have pictures so as soon as we left and my mum found out I was 20 weeks she said find a nearby abortion clinic that do late term abortions.   My heart sank.  Weeks later she cursed me out and she threatened to kick me out as I cried hysterically till my eyes were swollen shut.  She walked by and called me horrible names and saying that my boyfriend would leave me and that he won’t take care of the kid and I told her I would just do it…

I did it because I wanted to make someone else happy and I had to convince myself that I disliked my boyfriend even though in my heart I knew he would be there. My mum had an abortion around my age and she told me when I was 15 that she regretted it and she got pregnant soon after that and had a boy and he’s a mislead and rebellious and that scares me I don’t want that to happen to me but me and my boyfriend are still together.

I have a job now and I am starting school again soon…and to this day me and him cry and struggle knowing we would’ve been able to take care of him/her.  On the 30th he/she would be 4 months old.   I know God forgives me but it’s hard for me to forgive myself I just wish I would’ve fought harder if only I knew then what I know now

Crystal

I had a surgical abortion done on the 4th of may 2016. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant, seeing those 2 lines on the pregnancy test shocked me. I didn’t know what to do.

Telling my partner was the hardest, we’d had a miscarriage the previous month. He took it pretty well. But he knew we both weren’t ready for this sort of thing.
I waited a week to go to the doctors, the doctor referred me to get a scan done. To find out how far along I was. So I booked the appointment and went in to get the scan done.
The second I saw it on the scan, my heart broke. It was just a small sack, with a little tiny heart beat. Barely there, so small, so innocent. I changed my mind for a split second.

More arguments were to come with my partner. We both just didn’t know what to do. We were both scared. So the only option we could come up with was abortion.
I waited another 4 weeks before calling the clinic to book a consultation appointment. I dreaded the appointment, deep down I didn’t want to do it.
I was close to 8 weeks pregnant by the time I went to the clinic, they did a scan to confirm how far along I was. I refused to look at the screen when the doctor did the scan.
Soon after I was taken in for the procedure. I was told to remove my pants and undies, and put on a gown. I laid down on a chair and from there on I cant remember the rest of it.

When I woke up I felt guilty, angry at myself. I couldn’t stop crying. My partner felt guilty too. He kept saying ‘sorry’ over and over again.
Deep down I don’t even know if I did the right thing, I keep thinking about the baby and if it had been a boy or girl.

Andrea

I was 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I’m 28 years old and I have a very wonderful fiancé (still engaged to him). We both talked about my pregnancy, as much as we wanted to very badly keep the baby we kept thinking of my parents. Because we both moved away to attend college, my parents are very concerned about mine and his education.

It was when I was 8 weeks pregnant  I took the abortion pill.  I came home that same day and experienced what was the worse thing I’ve ever done.  I couldn’t bare to see what I saw, even my fiance.  I started to hate myself and praying God for forgiveness.

I’m currently now going through medical problems after the abortion as I didn’t pass everything. I’m seeking medical help, but it makes me sick when I hear the doctor sat “termination of the pregnancy”.  No one knows about what is going on but my finace, not even my own parents.

My whole family, including distance relatives are against abortion and I just don’t have the heart to tell anyone as I’m afraid they’ll not forgive me. I’m putting it behind me and decided with my fiance to make a memoir and tell everyone when the time is right.

But still to this day I hate myself thinking what have I done, that could have been my child.

Lola

it all started 3 years ago .  I already had two kids and was a single mum.  I had this guy that I fell in love with.  He was amazing.  He treated my kids well and he has a son.  All the kids loved each other.

In 2013 we had a 2 month break up and he told me he had slept with someone else but he regretted it.  We wanted to give it another try.  We decided to move in together and I got pregnant and had his child which is my third.   2 days after my son was born he told me the girl he slept with called him and told him that he has a daughter (the only girl).    I fell into deep depression yet I loved him so I tried to ignore the situation got pregnant again.

He had no job and I was struggling  working and paying a babysitter while he slept all day.  I didn’t want to have an abortion.  I was scared of raising another child with no financial help or a helping hand.  I debated till I was 14 weeks and I did the biggest mistake I could of ever done.

Now after my abortion he left me.  I cant think straight or even work.  My mind is crazy right now.  I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my baby and now him.

I feel so alone and stupid now I’m a single mum of three and I’m only 26.   Please don’t be cruel to me.  I am hurting enough right now and I just need someone to hear me out.

K’s story

October 12th, 2014.
I will always remember this date, every cold detail.

I had been in a loving relationship for about one year, we are still happily together now. When I found out I was pregnant I went numb, I walked into the kitchen and started buttering a piece of toast and then just sunk to the floor and sobbed. He held me and without even talking we both knew what came next. We were young, had a million things we wanted to accomplish. The fact that we didn’t want a family then doesn’t mean we didn’t want one later on.

We arrived at the clinic very early in the morning, before the sun came up and everything was grey and dew covered. I had been listening to the song A Postcard to Henry Purcell from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack on repeat for the entire drive, and then one final time through while we sat parked. Their was one single protester, he stood alone with a sign on the pathway that lead up to the clinic’s front door. It was terrifying, I was just going through the motions.

I was early enough in my pregnancy to have a medical abortion. The doctor took one final ultrasound, I still have the image tucked inside and envelope. I can’t bring myself to throw it away, that would mean erasing all evidence that it every existed. I realize it was only a small seed of cells, this was the reassurance I gave myself to follow through with the abortion. What hurts me now to this day is the potential of what that little seed of cells would have become.

Every year on October 12th we remember. I know this hasn’t taken the same toll on my boyfriend as it has on myself, he was hurt seeing me suffer but my pain came from somewhere else. I hurt because I consciously decided to end the life growing inside of my before it started. That life would have been a part of me and him, but was never given the chance. Two years ago on the first anniversary we spent the day walking around these beautiful public gardens taking pictures of the changing trees, this year we did the same thing and next year we’ll probably do just that. I have to be outside looking at beautiful things, because if I don’t i’ll spend all day locked away thinking about the ugliest thing I’d ever done.

I have coped with what has happened, and I can say I mostly live day to day in peace. The dark spots come in the doubt and the wondering what might have been. When I do decide that I’m ready to have a family I will always be affected by the choice I made. I will always think each year how old that person would be, how different my life would have been. I chose this path, and I did it out of a selfish love for myself and my future, but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like an open wound for all of time.

Mari

I regret my abortion.  There, I said it.  I have a really hard time looking at babies or interacting with children. It makes me miss my would of been daughter (I felt girl, not for certain).  I’ve never expressed this outside of my mind, and here I am on a public forum.

Please reach out if you want to talk.  I admit I have been able to do things and go places that I would not have been able to do with a child.  Doesn’t really feel worth it though.  Ironically, the radio is talking about new mums right now.   I am so sad!

A friend of mine gave birth around the time I would have.  I am so jealous sometimes.  I randomly cry thinking about this.

I was 23 and with my bf for year and half we were madly in love… but fought a lot.  Nothing physical, he would never do that.  We just were crazy for each other and sometime we’d verbally fight and that hurt us.  We are no longer together, not because of the abortion.  I miss him and still want to have a baby with him.  I wish I kept my baby.  I feel I am getting to old for children and that makes me more sad.

I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.  This is sad.  I live a good life and love many friends and family and am loved by many too.  My life has gone on, but I don’t know where to go to talk about my secret. And I’m fed up of the stigma, making people keep it secret.
I also wanted to save Earth by not overpopulating. So many idiots having children, so why did I sacrifice mine?