Lyn… ‘too young, too incompetent’

The first time I fell pregnant I was 14 years old. I had a stable boyfriend at the time, my first love. After reading some bad advice in a girly magazine, I took a risk with unprotected sex. Abortion didn’t cross my mind at first, I didn’t even know what it was at the time. My mother had once entered a bathroom with a coat hanger when heavily pregnant, and I knew somehow that she was trying to kill her baby, but I had never grasped the concept of “abortion”.

My main concern with the pregnancy was telling my mother, and hoping to get to a point where I was large enough that she wouldn’t hit me. So I hid my pregnancy for several weeks before the rumour got out at highschool and eventually reached my mother’s ears.
She immediately demanded I get an abortion. When I asked what that was, she told me, and I broke down in tears and screamed, “How could I kill my baby!?”
“Its not a baby! Its just a clump of cells” My mother had spat back angrily.
It was a line I would hear frequently over the coming days, months and years.

My mother told me I was too young and incompetent to have a child, even though I had been helping her take care of her own children, my siblings, since I was 8 years old. She told me she wouldn’t help me. I couldn’t live with her, she had her own children to worry about, which must not have included me.

She dragged me to a Dr to get a referral for abortion. I hoped the Dr would help me out, but even after seeing me in tears and hearing me say I wanted to keep the baby, the Dr told me that abortion was the best option. She gave the referral to my mother, and my mother called up the clinic to make an appointment, all the while I cried and pleaded with her not to make me.

Back at school I sought out the counsel of my favourite teacher, hoping she could help me, maybe talk to my mother. She too told me I was too young and incompetent to care for a baby. She told me it would ruin my life, my education, and that abortion was the only solution for someone in my situation.

I clung to my boyfriend who was supportive at the time. He was raised Catholic and I told him I couldn’t kill my baby, and he agreed with me. He said he would do everything he could to make sure I could keep my baby, and his mother, also a devout Catholic, said she would assist any way she could.

I went back to my mother with this new information, which she immediately refuted. “You want to be like his mother, stuck at home with 6 children!?” She had yelled. “You know he’ll leave you once you have a baby and get fat and have a stretched vagina. He’ll want someone fresh and unburdened.”

I tried to ignore her. I believed my boyfriend would stick by me. I believed his mother would help me, and I clung to that hope, until that too was taken away. After a few weeks of arguing, of being told I was incompetent, of being told I was ruining my life, of being weakened, my boyfriend came to me.

He had been talking to one of the teachers at school. She had told him how risky pregnancy was, how I could die because I was so young. He told me his dad was pressuring him to leave school so he could support me and the baby, but that he wasn’t ready to leave school. He told me “We can always have another baby, later, when we are ready”. Now he too wanted me to have an abortion.

Feeling as though I had lost my last support, I gave in and allowed my mother to book the appointment.

At 13 weeks pregnant (it was illegal to terminate past 12 weeks in 1998 in WA), I took a day off school to attend the clinic, and went with my mother and my boyfriend. We went into a mostly empty waiting room, and my mother filled in some paper work before I was pulled into a room alone for “counselling”.

The counselling consisted of telling me about the anaesthesia they would use, “twilight sleep”, and how to use the contraceptive pills they were giving me. They discussed nothing of the procedure, and nothing of what would happen to my “clump of cells”.  Maybe they thought too much discussion would scare me.  It would have.  Then they asked me if the abortion was what I wanted.  I told them no, it was what my mother wanted.

“We can’t do the procedure if it’s not what you want.”  The counsellor had told me.  She leaned in close, and said to me in a very practiced way, something along the lines of,  “You will have to go back out there and tell your mother it’s not happening, and it was a waste of time and money coming all the way out here.”
I was terrified of what my mother would say or do if I was sent back to her, still pregnant. “It’s what I want too.” I lied.

They dressed me in a gown and took me into the surgery. They told me they had to do an ultrasound, but I didn’t have to look if I didn’t want to.  They helped me on to the table, and then gave me an injection to sedate me.  A nurse held my hand and I counted backwards from 10, until I blacked out.  They never did an ultrasound.
When I woke up I felt giddy and happy.  I commented on how I liked the colour of the walls. They sent me away with antibiotics and birth control pills, and an empty uterus.

At first I felt fine, relieved that it was all over and I could go on with my life, without my teachers and mother hounding me.  Then I started noticing the babies. Everywhere I looked there were babies. Even at school, girls were having babies. I didn’t understand why they were capable of having children but I wasn’t. I started to break down and fell into a deep depression. I cried constantly, and when I wasn’t crying I was sleeping. I stopped seeing my friends, I stopped doing my school work. All I wanted was my baby back.

My mother told me I was making a big deal over nothing, and that I should “get over it”.  My teachers told me to “get over it” and get back to my schoolwork.  Even my friends couldn’t understand why I was so upset.  My boyfriend, who was supportive at the start, began to get frustrated with me. He was sick of looking after his miserable girlfriend while his friends were off and having fun. He wanted me to “get over it”.  Then the worst thing happened. My boyfriend, and only support, broke up with me. We would never have that replacement baby he promised.

Now I was completely alone. I started drinking and sleeping around. I fought with my friends, my ex, and all his friends. I became the crazy girl who had an abortion, and eventually I was driven out of the school and the area.

In my new school I tried to settle down. I tried to forget my past. I tried to “get over it”, after all it was just a clump of cells, and I couldn’t let a clump of cells ruin my life. I had to be a normal person, and normal people didn’t grieve abortion. I buried my pain, moved on and made new friends, but I was constantly on the search for something to fill a void. A huge hole in my heart. I ended up with the first guy who came along and showed an interest in me past just having sex. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. But I didn’t care, because he loved me, and the hole filled in just enough to continue on.

I moved in with him when I was 17 years old, and after a year of living together I became careless with my pills, knowing I could get pregnant, but not really caring. I cried when the test came back positive, more because I was scared of telling my mum than anything else. Scared that she might be able to talk me into an abortion again. She was angry of course, but she could do little now. I didn’t live in her house of under her rules anymore.

At the 12 weeks scan I saw my baby up on the screen. He was rolling around and doing somersaults, and looked just like a human being. A little miniature person. He was a week younger than the baby I had killed, but he was still just a clump of cells, right? But this was a wanted clump of cells, and therefore he was worthy of life.

I loved my son with all my heart, enough for me to realise that my boyfriend was bad news. I tried to make things work at first, begging him to seek drug and alcohol counselling, but he refused. I moved out on my own when my son was a few months old, but he tried to follow me. He would come to my house unannounced and then wouldn’t leave. He would demand sex from me, and get angry and aggressive towards me and my son when I refused.

Around 6 months after we broke up he was at my house again, drunk and disorderly. He demanded sex, and not wanting to upset him I gave in. He didn’t want to use a condom, and I didn’t argue. The chances of me getting pregnant from one time was slim anyway…right?

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I came to my decision rather quickly. I couldn’t have another baby with him and be trapped with him for any longer, and in this country you never have a baby if it’s going to cause you inconvenience. I knew it was the right thing to do, because every authority figure in my life had told me so, and I knew grieving a clump of cells was wrong, because every authority figure in my life had told me so.

I booked in for a termination without any more thought. I went in for the quick procedure, hurrying the doctor through the “counselling”, because I had been there before, and new what I was doing. I was completely emotionless. It was like having a tooth pulled.
Afterwards I felt relief. So much so that I went out nightclubbing that very night. I finally left my boyfriend a few months later and my life got back on track. I attended university, I met my husband. I got married and had a baby. And I new this had to be because I had an abortion. Abortion helps women. It helps them to leave their parents and get and education, because women are too incompetent to do those things AND take care of a baby. That’s what we are told anyway.

In 2007 I fell pregnant with my 5th child, 3rd I had planned on keeping. We were so excited. We were going to have a family of 3. We were going to be complete. Then at approximately 8 weeks pregnant I miscarried.
I was devastated when it happened. I locked myself in my room for nearly 2 weeks and ate and spoke little. I couldn’t help but think the universe was punishing me for my abortions. I killed two babies because they were inconvenient, and now I was losing a wanted and planned baby to make up for it.

I feel pregnant again almost immediately after, but this didn’t help my pain. I still felt guilt, and it affected my ability to care for myself and my children. My depression, which had always been lingering in the background, grew worse and worse. I began to be unable to cope with parenthood. I was put on medication after medication, and tried to medicate myself with drinking and partying, but nothing really helped. Finally in 2009, after years of feeling worthless and useless, I gave in and tried to end my life.

I was at home with my youngest son at the time, and scared he would be left alone when I died, I called the police thinking they would take at least 15-20 minutes to arrive. They arrived only a few minutes later, and luckily this saved my life.

They took me to the hospital, and they fed me charcoal to try to counteract the effect of the sleeping pills. I was in and out of consciousness, but I remember a nurse asking me my name, and the date and then how many children I had. I said 6, and he asked my husband if that was right. My husband gently reminded me we only had 3, and I broke down in hysterics, thrashing and calling out for my lost babies.

I was put into a mental hospital, for the fear I would try to kill myself again. I remember begging one of the orderlies to bring my babies back to life. She acted like I was crazy. I’m not sure if it was because I wanted my babies back, or because I wanted clumps of cells back.
After two days of being away from my family and my children, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I begged to be let out. They agreed and put me into my husband’s care. I attended intensive therapy for a few weeks, with a focus on self-care. I got help with caring for my children, and eventually I regained a sense of normalcy, yet the pain of my abortion was still there.

I wanted to support other women who had had abortions as a way of dealing with my pain. I wanted other women to be aware of the psychological effects so they could make the right choices. I volunteered for a pro-choice post abortion support group, thinking a pro-life group would only judge me for my abortions. However after a few weeks working in pro-choice groups, I discovered this talking about abortion grief was not welcome, and the main aim was to put all the focus on the woman, no focus on the child, and help her to “get over it”. Pro-choice did not want anyone to know about the negatives of abortion. They didn’t want people grieving over “clumps of cells”.

I was in limbo for a while. Caught between abortion being necessary, and abortion being awful. It was soon after that that I came in contact with the pro-life movement, I had never really been exposed to a rational argument, and was under the impression that all pro-lifers were crazy religious nuts who hated women.

I started to see that there were many in the pro-life movement that really cared about women, and they also cared about the “clump of cells” which they called a human, a person and a baby. They told me it was okay to grieve for my lost child. They understood the societal pressures that drove me to that choice. They didn’t judge me for my grief. They helped me to heal. And now I hope that I can help other women do the same..

Loveness

I had an abortion twice…..
I am sitting here, at 36, highly educated with a Doctoral Degree, big career BUT, the regrets! I first fell pregnant when I was 22 years old. I was still doing my undergraduate degree.  My then boyfriend was working.  He had a great job.  When I found out about my pregnancy, he just told me immediately: ‘You MUST have an abortion’.  He was 26 years old then.  At 9 weeks when I went for a scan prior to the procedure, the nurse asked me if I was sure I wanted to go ahead with this because she could already tell that I was carrying twins.  The doctor came in and I remember he was so cheerful and tried to strike up a conversation with me.

It was so PAINFUL!   I screamed and cried….!  When all was done, my then boyfriend picked me up in his car. I told him it was so painful that I was crying. His response was ‘It cannot have been that painful. If it was, you could have passed out’.  I remained with the bugger and five years later, we had a son.  Two years down the line, we split up.  I got a great scholarship to do a Masters degree in England in one of the best universities in the world.  I met a man there.  This time I was on the pill but, I fell pregnant.

The man is a Doctor and he also told me point blank:  ‘You have no choice.  Abort this child.  I knew I had to do that because I felt the child would interrupt my studies and I would lose the scholarship. A fter the abortion, I remember having nightmares in my room. I would hear children play around my bedroom. The man later left me.  I know I will be judged for being careless… I admit I was but, the regret is killing me inside. I look at my son, now 10 years old, and I imagine what my other two kids would look like….

Di

I’m 22years old at 19 I had an abortion I was 13 weeks along.
I was in a 3 year dysfunctional relationship we lived together throughout those 3 years. He was a gangster, in and out of jail and one time he got sentenced to some months.  I started talking to another guy who became the father of my baby.  He already has 2 kids but he supported me and wanted me to have it.  I was scared and so lost because I was still in love with my boyfriend and he was coming out of jail the same month I found out I was pregnant.

So he came out and I hid my pregnacy from him.   To this day he doesn’t know.. I ended up having the abortion thinking I can fix me cheating on him while incarcerated and getting pregnant by some other guy that wasn’t him.. when I went through the procedure after it was done I felt relief.   I would think about it but nothing like now.  I regret being selfish and not giving my baby a chance to live.  I cry at times thinking what could of been,  holding my precious lil one,  enjoying him.  I can’t believe what I have done.  I feel like a monster.   I hope and pray to God he has mercy on my soul for what I did.

If only I could go back in time I wouldn’t have gone thru]ough it and I would of been a mummy:  I miss my baby.. ladies if your thinking of doing this pleaseee pleaseee don’t if you have a heart and conscience you won’t be able to live with your self knowing you killed your baby. There is different ways of dealing with stuff, don’t take the easy way out please don’t..

“Please, please don’t.

so my story starts in 2013.

My partner and I were engaged and already had a beautiful 1 year old, we decided it would be a wonderful idea to start trying to conceive, we always wanted our children close in age and we knew this is what we wanted. we kept it a secret because we knew if his family found out they would be furious because they hated the idea of us being together they made it very clear. in January 2014 we had successfully conceived our second child, we managed to keep it quiet until one night I had strange pains and asked his mother to take me to the hospital to get the all clear, obviously we had to tell her I was pregnant. she was so angry. she started saying stuff like ‘if you don’t abort this baby or give it to me I will take away your 1year old, you cant have another child’ and ‘you need to abort this baby’. she got into my partners head and he even started saying horrible things saying I had to. this all broke my heart. his mother made the appointment to have it done. I really didn’t want it, but somewhere she got into my head and got me to do it. so at 8weeks pregnant I had the abortion. I cried so hard for weeks, still remembering the weeks as the went by, every Saturday was the start of a new week ( 16/01/2014 – May -2014 EDD 18/10/2014 ).

but my story isn’t over yet, i was put on birth control and as the weeks past my partner started apologising and saying he wish it never happened and even became distant, he too was affect from all this. In June 2014 that same year my birth control had problems and out it came. my partner and i agreed that no matter what happened that we would never EVER repeat history and that we could never do that again. August came around and complete shock i was pregnant, we were so happy. we kept this a secret because we knew as soon as his mother found out she would go mental ! but then my partner moved out and moved into his mother, i knew in the back of my head it was the end but i refused to believe, trying to hang onto everything.

he didn’t even come to the first ultrasound at 6weeks, that’s when everyone was told and BAM shit hit the fan AGAIN ! by this point he had ended our relationship and was telling me he never wanted kids and that i was to have an abortion. he went on how that i was not to have the baby and that i wasn’t even to adopt it out to a loving family because he didn’t want to be known as a dead beat dad ( BUT WHAT ? i was meant to be the murderer ? !) i told him i didn’t care what he had to say anymore and that it wasn’t up to him.

In September that year i went into a complete depression state, wanting to kill myself and i had no idea what to do. i was getting told daily to choose death over life to the point i wanted to take me own life, i was even admitted into care. during this time he went to the courts and filled for full custody just to be spiteful to me because i was still pregnant. i then believed i had to make the hard decision and have the abortion so at 14weeks i had it again (July 2014 – Oct 2014 – EDD 27/03/2015)

i still find it hard to get to sleep even though i have my child back and my depression has almost completely gone away. i still sit awake thinking of all these dates and still feel so guilty ever day !

everytime i see someone have their baby, i just wish i never ever had those abortions and that it was me holding my newborn child in my arms, smelling the sweet scent of babies all around me.

I will never ever forget the days i had this done and i will never forgive myself for doing so – i just hope that one day i can look back at this and stop blaming myself for everything.

So if you are considering to have an abortion, please please please don’t. you ARE strong enough you ARE capable and you WILL be the best parent for that child. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !.

Andie

Me and my husband were young and we already had two children and were filing for divorce.  One night he came over and things lead to us sleeping together without protection.  I became pregnant again.  Him in his fear and worry gave me an ultimatum; have an abortion or he would skip town.

He could not see helping me raise three children financially.  So i did.  Walking in there numb to all that was around me still hoping he would change his mind until my name was called.  I walked back there and had my abortion.

For eight years i walked a destructive path of choices because i could not believe anyone could love me least of all God for what i had done. It wasn’t till i heard someone have a story like mine and reach out to help through post abortive counseling that i was able to change my life around..

Felicity

3 years ago this month I had a termination.  Whilst it wasn’t the easiest decision I’d ever made, I didn’t think I agonised over it at the time.  My husband and I discussed the options but things were a bit rocky between us at the time and it seemed that this (having another child) might be the thing that pushed us both over the edge.  We have 2 healthy boys, the youngest of whom had just started school, so I was finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Every now and then I’d wandered through shops like Target, looking at little girl dresses and thinking how it might have been to have had a daughter but I didn’t dwell on it.

The abortion and everything on that day are things I will never forget.  The process was like being on a production line.  Sit down, get a form, sit down, speak to a counsellor, sit down, have an ultrasound, sit down, move to another room, sit down… wait, wait, wait.  Then finally it was done.  And I felt nothing.   My husband and I both went in to see the counsellor.   I vaguely wondered how she knew if I really wanted this and that my husband wasn’t pressuring me.   I thought it was strange not to be speaking to her alone.  I don’t even know why the thought crossed my mind, but it did.

She wasn’t that interested in the decision anyway, just in checking how ‘this’ happened.   I felt chastised.  As though we were stupid somehow and this was the punishment.  Her main focus was on making sure we knew how we had ‘failed’ and that we were prepared to do what was necessary to make sure it didn’t happen again.

In the 3 years since, I have had up and down times.  I have sometimes wondered if we did the right thing, but I haven’t been beside myself with grief.   Until now.   A month ago, my younger sister gave birth to a baby girl.   Their house is full of pink.  I felt the first twinge when I went in to Target to buy her a gift.  As I admired, and caressed tiny pink frills, I felt tears threaten and then I felt panicked, then it all hit… what we had actually done.

I have worked in a social welfare field my entire adult life.  I have seen women make this decision dozens of times.  I had even seen some suffer afterwards, but I always firmly believed it was because of their religious conflict or some radical prolife guilt trip.   I never in a million years believed that their grief or sorrow was real, or that their beliefs that they felt pressured were genuine.

I felt no pressure toward abortion, except by virtue of the fact that it seemed so ‘normal’, so available.   At the time I was a little annoyed that I’d had to travel to Melbourne for it (2 hours away), but it was only a minor inconvenience.   Now I see so many things differently.   I am only just beginning to understand that what I did was betray my unborn child, potentially the little girl I’d sometimes wished for.   I’m a little numb about it right now.  I’m not really sure where to go to talk to about it.  I think about all the times one young client of mine used to want to cry to me about her ‘baby’ and I would tell her about the ‘choice’ she made and that it was valid and okay… I denied her her grief, just as right not I am not able to face my own.

Do I regret my abortion?   Absolutely.   Would I have made a different decision?   Probably not… because I had NO idea this was possible.. NO idea that I would even think about it again, let alone that I would feel so overwhelmed with an indefinable sorrow in the middle of a Target store that I would panic.

Regret looks very different to different people.   ‘Choice’ looks very different to me today than it did then.   I would never advocate abortion to a woman.

 .

Yva

Hi this is my Sad Story!!!
November 26, 2014 – I had an abortion that day.  I became a murderer!  I was so sick at the hospital with 104.6 fever… That day my life changed.  They told me I was pregnant I didn’t trust them so I told me to do another one, they did and it was positive!

I was in shock because I have one baby already and how I am going to support the other one, my economy it is really bad, I am working full time and going to college. .. I told to myself No I can’t I can’t give all my baby needs. .. that day I made the horrible mistake that anyone can make !! I aborted my 6 weeks baby :'(:'(

It is so hard how I could not have this baby !!!! I cry every single day because in my heart it’s a strong pain that it is killing me !!! I would love to go back and take the good and only decision … Have my Baby but I can’t it is too late :'(.

Sofia

One of my friends posted something on her facebook about Zoe’s law in New South Wales.  She read about how it would stop women being able to have abortions and she kept saying how terrible that was.  I read the story of how Zoe’s law came about and I felt so sad for that mother.  She wanted her baby and someone killed it and she can’t get any justice and now people are trying to say that her baby can’t be valued because someone else might not want theirs?

My friend doesn’t know what I did to my baby.  She doesn’t even know I was ever pregnant and I don’t know if I could tell her without also telling her the horrible horrible truth that I wish women couldn’t have abortions.  I wish no woman could ever do it, because if they couldn’t then my baby would be here.  I wish people would understand that just because the Zoe’s law mum wanted her baby doesn’t mean some of us didn’t too.

And that if it wasn’t so damn bloody easy to get one and people didn’t fill your head with so many lies about how bad it would be to be a mother then I would have been one by now.  It’s like its all about rights to have an abortion, but what about my rights to know how this would feel?  What about my rights to not feel pushed into it?  When I rang the abortion clinic, and then rang someone they referred me to talk about how bad I felt they just kept reminding me it was my decision.   I know it was.  But I also know it wasn’t.

If I didn’t know enough about what might happen…   If all those people had shut up and given me a chance to think, then it wouldn’t have been my decision.. never!!

All this crap about choice is bullshit.  I’m sorry but it is.  It’s even worse than that but I don’t think you’ll print it.

If you are thinking about having an abortion, then you need to think again.  That’s your baby and you can do this.  Don’t dare let anyone tell you you’re not good enough, or not strong enough.  This is no way to end up.

 .

Toni

Well… I’m not really sure how to start this. We’ve all come here for some reason or another, and I truly feel there isn’t anyone I can talk to without their narrowing eyes glaring me down.

I had my first abortion 5 days ago and the feelings I’ve come across are all over the place.
I’ll start from the beginning…

I’m 22 years old, just recently started seeing someone.  A very close friend of mine in fact, whom I have been very close friends with for 6 years, going on 7.
I wasn’t on birth control and we ended up being stupid, needless to say.
I was 7 days late for my period and I’ve had situations before where I always think I’m pregnant, but i’m just very irregular.  Well, my gut kept telling me to stop waiting and get a test, so I did.

Positive.  2 little lines.  It couldn’t be.
Right then and there – I felt such a strong attachment to whatever it was inside of me.
Little tiny cell rapidly growing, how could I of all people have this miracle.  This gift.

I ended up talking to my friend that night, let’s remember, we JUST started seeing each other.
We aren’t even dating. His response was to do what I felt was right and that he’d support me.
I asked what he thought about it, and respectfully he gave me his opinion.
“I’m not ready to be a dad, maybe one day, but now is too soon. I want to finish school, travel, move out without all the extra expenses.”  We’re also both living with our parents at the moment and don’t want to cause burden.  So I decided, abortion.  It didn’t sit right with me though.

Every single day, I’d wake up and without thinking touch my belly.
Sitting on the bus, eating dinner, out with friends.  When I’d catch myself, I’d stop.
I couldn’t possibly be this in love in such a short time.  I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out.

I ended up talking to this guy, and told him I was changing my mind.
The look on his face said it all.  He was hurt, scared, unsure.
We talked for so long and this time he wasn’t as supportive.
” _blank_ we really can’t do this, you aren’t ready and neither am I.  We have so much ahead of us, Why put a stop to it now?  Why do you want this baby?  Do you think you could actually do this?”

Everything he said made sense though, so I cried, a lot.  He was there for me though, he was being sensible and I was just in love with what could be.  This little baby and I.

Not only did I have him telling me it wasn’t a good idea, but I had my mum pressuring me to keep it.
She fell in love faster than I did and when I told her my decision she was upset and angry with me.  Kept telling me every day I was making a mistake and that I’d regret it.  Well… guess she was right.
I honestly just didn’t want to lose this good friend of mine.  He means a lot to me and I value his opinion. Unfortunately in this case, I let his feelings come way ahead of my own….

2 weeks later and 2 appointments down after blood work, etc.
I’m sitting in the Womens clinic at 7am waiting for my procedure with this man who I care so much for, yet I am so angry with for pushing me towards this choice.

It felt like it took forever for my name to be called… but when it did I just wanted to run away without looking back… But I couldn’t.

I had the procedure explained to me more times then I could count.  I was in my gown and awful slippers in this place that gave me the chills.  Babies everywhere and it was haunting me.  I felt sick.
I had my IV put in and i sat in a room with a blanket that was too warm and stared at a clock until they came and got me.

My doctor was in the room as well as two others.
I was given my drugs and put into the most uncomfortable position I could think of.
I feel like I should have had more of these drugs they were giving me though,
because its supposed to cause amnesia and drowsiness.
I remember everything, every sound, every word they said.
I remember staring a the light and it started to shift because of whatever I was given.

But that sound. The sucking sound. I lost it. cried on the table while they gave me this huge diaper thing to put on.

After that I stumbled off the table and they put me in the recovery room. I was given an extra shot because I’m RH- and I also asked for the depo shot(birth control) – So i was given that as well.

After the too long of a wait, I was able to get dressed and leave.  He was waiting there for me and I just started to cry.  He hugged me for what felt like forever until he took my down the elevator.

Got into his car and I just cried again. He held me until I stopped… drove for maybe…3 minutes and I burst out into tears again. He pulled over and held me while i sobbed for a good half hour.
That sound is forever etched into my brain and I know it will never leave me.
I will never be the same… maybe I wasn’t ready for a baby right now, but I damn well loved that little thing that was inside me.  I was 7 weeks and 2 days when I had the procedure.  I would have been 8 weeks today. I’m heartbroken, and now my friend – it seems like he is too scared to talk to me. He’s distant and quiet… Yet if I message him and tell him I’m having a really hard time, he’s right there to hold me until I’m done crying.  I don’t understand anything thats happening.  I’m so lost and I feel like I’m starting to annoy him.  My mom is still off with my decision and I just feel like dying some days.

I’ll never be able to forget about the what ifs.

If anyone reads this and needs help making a decision.
Do what your gut tells you to do. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself.
You know who you are, you know what you are capable of and whatever you feel is right,
is just that. Right..

Amber

I recently had an abortion at 15 weeks.   My first altrasound was at 8 weeks.  When I first found out, I had no idea what I was going to do.  I have always wanted to have children one day.  The guy I was with (in a very new relationship)  was involved in a lot of bad things including a gang and drugs.  This isn’t something I wanted to bring a child into however I wanted this baby.

When I told L he told me I had to kill it.  I had considered abortion but when he told me what he wanted me to do I felt as if that was my only option:   that was what i had to do.  On the day of the abortion I felt sick just going there.  I took a close friend and when I laid down on the bed about to go to sleep I immediately knew this wasn’t what I wanted.

When I got home I felt guilty…  About a month later I started having nightmares and the have been reoccurring ever since, I’ve spoken to my close friend but I feel as though I need to have people around who have had to make the same awful decision..