Toni

Well… I’m not really sure how to start this. We’ve all come here for some reason or another, and I truly feel there isn’t anyone I can talk to without their narrowing eyes glaring me down.

I had my first abortion 5 days ago and the feelings I’ve come across are all over the place.
I’ll start from the beginning…

I’m 22 years old, just recently started seeing someone.  A very close friend of mine in fact, whom I have been very close friends with for 6 years, going on 7.
I wasn’t on birth control and we ended up being stupid, needless to say.
I was 7 days late for my period and I’ve had situations before where I always think I’m pregnant, but i’m just very irregular.  Well, my gut kept telling me to stop waiting and get a test, so I did.

Positive.  2 little lines.  It couldn’t be.
Right then and there – I felt such a strong attachment to whatever it was inside of me.
Little tiny cell rapidly growing, how could I of all people have this miracle.  This gift.

I ended up talking to my friend that night, let’s remember, we JUST started seeing each other.
We aren’t even dating. His response was to do what I felt was right and that he’d support me.
I asked what he thought about it, and respectfully he gave me his opinion.
“I’m not ready to be a dad, maybe one day, but now is too soon. I want to finish school, travel, move out without all the extra expenses.”  We’re also both living with our parents at the moment and don’t want to cause burden.  So I decided, abortion.  It didn’t sit right with me though.

Every single day, I’d wake up and without thinking touch my belly.
Sitting on the bus, eating dinner, out with friends.  When I’d catch myself, I’d stop.
I couldn’t possibly be this in love in such a short time.  I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out.

I ended up talking to this guy, and told him I was changing my mind.
The look on his face said it all.  He was hurt, scared, unsure.
We talked for so long and this time he wasn’t as supportive.
” _blank_ we really can’t do this, you aren’t ready and neither am I.  We have so much ahead of us, Why put a stop to it now?  Why do you want this baby?  Do you think you could actually do this?”

Everything he said made sense though, so I cried, a lot.  He was there for me though, he was being sensible and I was just in love with what could be.  This little baby and I.

Not only did I have him telling me it wasn’t a good idea, but I had my mum pressuring me to keep it.
She fell in love faster than I did and when I told her my decision she was upset and angry with me.  Kept telling me every day I was making a mistake and that I’d regret it.  Well… guess she was right.
I honestly just didn’t want to lose this good friend of mine.  He means a lot to me and I value his opinion. Unfortunately in this case, I let his feelings come way ahead of my own….

2 weeks later and 2 appointments down after blood work, etc.
I’m sitting in the Womens clinic at 7am waiting for my procedure with this man who I care so much for, yet I am so angry with for pushing me towards this choice.

It felt like it took forever for my name to be called… but when it did I just wanted to run away without looking back… But I couldn’t.

I had the procedure explained to me more times then I could count.  I was in my gown and awful slippers in this place that gave me the chills.  Babies everywhere and it was haunting me.  I felt sick.
I had my IV put in and i sat in a room with a blanket that was too warm and stared at a clock until they came and got me.

My doctor was in the room as well as two others.
I was given my drugs and put into the most uncomfortable position I could think of.
I feel like I should have had more of these drugs they were giving me though,
because its supposed to cause amnesia and drowsiness.
I remember everything, every sound, every word they said.
I remember staring a the light and it started to shift because of whatever I was given.

But that sound. The sucking sound. I lost it. cried on the table while they gave me this huge diaper thing to put on.

After that I stumbled off the table and they put me in the recovery room. I was given an extra shot because I’m RH- and I also asked for the depo shot(birth control) – So i was given that as well.

After the too long of a wait, I was able to get dressed and leave.  He was waiting there for me and I just started to cry.  He hugged me for what felt like forever until he took my down the elevator.

Got into his car and I just cried again. He held me until I stopped… drove for maybe…3 minutes and I burst out into tears again. He pulled over and held me while i sobbed for a good half hour.
That sound is forever etched into my brain and I know it will never leave me.
I will never be the same… maybe I wasn’t ready for a baby right now, but I damn well loved that little thing that was inside me.  I was 7 weeks and 2 days when I had the procedure.  I would have been 8 weeks today. I’m heartbroken, and now my friend – it seems like he is too scared to talk to me. He’s distant and quiet… Yet if I message him and tell him I’m having a really hard time, he’s right there to hold me until I’m done crying.  I don’t understand anything thats happening.  I’m so lost and I feel like I’m starting to annoy him.  My mom is still off with my decision and I just feel like dying some days.

I’ll never be able to forget about the what ifs.

If anyone reads this and needs help making a decision.
Do what your gut tells you to do. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself.
You know who you are, you know what you are capable of and whatever you feel is right,
is just that. Right..

2 Responses to Toni

  • Tara says:

    Beautiful girl, I cried with you reading this. My heart breaks for you, I can only imagine what you are going through. I just want to encourage you, I’m not sure what you believe and whether you believe in a Heaven or Hell but I absolutely believe that God is real and that He not only has your child with Him, but is hoping against hope that when your time comes to leave this earth (after you have had a beautiful family, and loved more little darlings along the way), you will have chosen to live for Him and will get to see your gift again. I know that He wants to heal you from this hurt, and to comfort you while you grieve. Thank you for sharing your story, and your advice. You’re beautiful, and you will get through this. Don’t sell yourself short, you are loved!!

  • whit says:

    Thank you for telling your story, from you I am able to put aside all my doubts and fears. I am currently 3 weeks pregnant and just found out. My boyfriend does not want a child and has said that he considers harming himself before taking on this responsibility. I’ve wanted to be a mum for a while but I have had trouble conceiving and now that I have I’m scared to let that chance go. Now that I know, I’m not going to listen to anyone and trust my gut though I’m scared as hell. It will be worth it and I will not have any regrets
    Thank you

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