Worst decision of my life

My boyfriend and I started dating last summer. Through the course of our relationship we fell madly & deeply in love. I wasn’t on birth control, we didn’t use condoms, he didn’t like them. We had a long distance relationship since I went away to school in NH and he went to school at home in NYC.

After spending a long spring break with him, I returned back to school. Two days later I realized my period was late, it was always on time. I ran to the pharmacy and purchased a pregnancy test. I peed on the first stick, and it took a while to appear but there they were: the two pink lines. I thought it might have been a mistake, so I took the second stick and again it came back positive.

I stood in the middle of my dorm room in tears– not of fear but of excitement. I called my boyfriend and he couldn’t believe it, he suggested an abortion but I was totally against it. I told him he could leave me, I refused to get an abortion. Yet there I was freaking out not knowing how I would tell my parents. I’m only 19 and have a promising future. My parents worked so hard to give me the best life they could, they were paying my very expensive tuition. How could I even dare to disappoint them in such a way?

My boyfriend told his parents and he became excited, he was working hard, working full time bussing tables at a Manhattan upscale restaurant. Towards the end of my semester I realized I couldn’t keep it, it was not the right thing for me. I became selfish and thought only about myself. I told my boyfriend I decided to have an abortion. He was furious and torn apart– he wanted more than anything to be a father. I scheduled an appointment for as soon as I got home for summer vacation. I went to my appointment with my best friend, and I was ready but my insurance couldn’t cover it. I didn’t end up getting the abortion.

A couple of weeks passed and my boyfriend finally became comfortable with the decision I had made for myself. But it angered me. Time passed, my belly kept growing beautifully and I still hadn’t told my parents. My close friends and boyfriend continuously asked me when I planned to get the procedure, and I would ignore them. I finally told my boyfriend I was not so sure anymore and he became agitated.

I was 17 weeks when I first felt my baby kick me, it had to be the most beautiful thing I have ever felt, I was overcome with happiness and excitement. But I was also sad because I knew I could not keep the baby. My excuse was disappointing and humiliating my parents. I couldn’t bear making them upset, especially my mother. I was terrified of betraying her. My whole life revolved around making them happy.

I went into Planned Parenthood and got the two day procedure done, and it was by far the most traumatic event I have ever gone through. Right after, my boyfriend picked me up from the clinic and we rode the train in complete silence while I cried hysterically. I hated myself, I hated him, and I hated my parents for expecting so much from me.

Now here I am almost a month after my abortion writing this because I don’t know who to turn to. I hate myself and have no motivation to continue my life, I have no desire to better myself. I sit at home and constantly cry. I can’t talk to the closest person to me. I feel all alone. I regret having an abortion. Worst decision of my life.

 

From: projectvoice.com.

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